For most of my working life, I didn’t know for sure I was neuro-spicy. I’d been accused often enough, but none of the research I did seemed to fit until I was diagnosed as Autistic + ADHD (AuDHD). Suddenly it was like a lightbulb was turned on and the things I had struggled with for so long finally made sense.
I’m fortunate that I found environments early where I could harness the power of my pattern recognition and hyper-fixations. That my black-and-white thinking and strong sense of justice were aligned with the leadership approach in those organizations. Turns out the military and IT both have a lot of neuro-spicy folks, so I could look around and figure out how to fit in just enough to get by.
It wasn’t until I started working in the civilian sector on the business side that I started running into trouble. The feedback started to ramp up, but it was near impossible to make sense of and implement. It took turning myself inside out with an executive coach to get the kind of help I needed. Challenging? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely.
That said, the path would have been a lot shorter and faster if one of two things had been true. First, if I had known I was AuDHD, I could have better understood my preferences and tendencies to advocate for myself. Second, if I had some help from my leader. Given that many of us, particularly women, go undiagnosed, it’s important that leaders have a roadmap that can work with anyone.
Those of us who are neuro-spicy don’t need special treatment. We need fair and reasonable treatment that would benefit all team members.
1. Be Direct
Has anyone else noted how much coded language we use in business? It is amazing how direct folks think they are, using vague statements or inferences.
I won’t speak for the entirety of the neuro-spicy population, but I for one have been accused of being painfully direct. From my experience, we are either beyond blunt, or we beat around the bush BECAUSE we’ve been accused of being too direct.
Being direct in a world of people not saying exactly what they mean can be seen as challenging, or it can be seen as refreshing. It should be seen as necessary to get anything done or affect any sort of change.
When giving feedback, leaders need to be direct. Vagueries help absolutely no one. Implying a problem or circling around an issue leaves it open to interpretation. That’s true for anyone, regardless of neuro-type.
There is plenty of research out there about how we receive information. For example, using a “feedback sandwich” of two positives with a criticism in between is ineffective. It might feel better for the person giving feedback to use that approach because it’s not all negative. However, recency bias means that the person walks away hearing the last thing said and thinking things are good.
Being direct is being kind, even if it doesn’t feel nice. Everyone will benefit from the clarity being direct offers.
2. Focus on behaviors and impacts with examples
Perception is reality for each one of us. We have our own truth and “the truth” is likely somewhere in the middle. Rarely are things simple, and it’s often in the nuance that we can bridge the gap between two people’s perceptions.
To help one person understand both sides of a situation, clear examples are needed. The examples should frame the situation in terms of behaviors or actions and how they might be perceived.
I struggled for years with feedback around consensus-driven decisions. My team might unanimously agree on a pathway that I knew would end poorly. My manager would say I should do what they want while also telling me I’d be accountable if it didn’t go well. From my perspective, they could vote all day long. Ultimately, I had to make the call I thought would get us a successful outcome.
It was never about majority rule or accountability. Instead, it was about a perception the team had about their views being inconsequential. It took me many years to figure that out when it could have been one very different conversation.
It’s important to use specific examples, highlight the behaviors or actions, and discuss perceptions on both sides of the equation. It is only then that the true gap can be understood and a bridge be built.
3. Encourage open dialogue that does not force arbitrary norms
There are as many ways to show up as there are people in the world. There is no “one way” or best way.
That said, there are arbitrary norms that have been established in organizations as folks try to model what’s been successful for others. But norms are exactly that – arbitrary. Leaders have an opportunity to facilitate open dialogue around what way might work for their team members.
Folks don’t fear change, they fear being changed. A directive – do this thing this way – with no buy-in will create resistance. Instead, using a coaching approach with open-ended questions can help both parties consider what’s possible.
In an ideal scenario, questions like “How might this have been received by others in the room?” help individuals receiving feedback encourage empathy and understanding. From there, they can do their best to remain authentic and true to themselves while considering potential alternatives in language or approach that would bridge the perception gap with others.
At the same time, norms are arbitrary. Leaders can and should be open to challenging those norms. To helping the team be more receptive and value another approach. For example, instead of seeing directness as a threat or attack, celebrating clear language and inviting others to express themselves more openly could benefit the entire team.
Bonus: What to avoid
In the process of sharing feedback and working towards achievable alternatives, there are a few things to avoid.
“Why can’t you just…”
While it may seem simple to adjust certain behaviors or actions, it may feel like climbing Everest for the other person. Using the expression “Why can’t you just…” diminishes the effort and impact on the other person. It’s dismissive of their struggles and should be avoided. Instead, ask questions like “What would the impact be…” to understand the difficulties. Even better would be “What can I do to help you navigate this?” Sometimes, just having someone help decode a situation can be a blessing.
Vague statements without examples
There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like you don’t fit. Should we have to contort? No. But if we are inadvertently creating challenging situations for ourselves and others, be specific on what happened, the impact, and potential alternatives. Many of us are pattern seers and seekers. Without specific examples, we literally cannot see another way through.
“You are” statements
No feedback should include “You are…” statements as these are personal attacks. Focus on the situation, the behavior, and the impact. When blanket statements are made about a person, then it’s personal and nothing can be more hurtful. Too often, the skills and capabilities of the neuro-spicy are valued while the package – the person – is criticized. Focus on the issue, together.
The best feed-forward I’ve received
Recently, my manager completed my annual review. They always make me nervous. No matter how well my work is received, I always worry I’m going to get critical feedback on the package it comes in. For too many years, that was exactly the case, so reviews come with high levels of anxiety and fear of the unknown.
It was the best review I’ve gotten. Not because of what he said about my work. Because of what he said about how I show up and how I can be better. It was feed-forward and shared in the best possible way.
He highlighted my strengths and passions and shared opportunities for me to have a greater impact. Specific ways for me to be seen as a thought leader in my special interest area. It was the first time someone considered what I wanted to do and shared ways I could lean into my superpowers to get there. It wasn’t critical about what was holding me back but uplifting in the possibilities and the foundation I could build on to get there.
I encourage every leader to know what matters to their people and their superpowers. To consider how they can use them in their interactions to create more good. Are there opportunities for folks to do less inadvertent damage along the way? Sure. However, focusing on where someone wants to go and tying any behavioral change to their “why” is going to create an impetus to change that goes beyond traditional feedback.
That’s the kind of change we can all embrace.
