Difficult conversations are, well, difficult. If they aren’t somewhat uncomfortable, we probably aren’t doing them right.
They may be tough, but difficult conversations are necessary. They are part of every leader’s toolkit to help move themselves, and their teams, forward in the face of challenge and opportunity.
While it is important to be able to have difficult conversations with others, it is equally important to be able to be on the receiving end of them. What may not be talked about enough are other roles leaders may need to play.
1. The Sender
Effective leaders seize upon challenges and opportunities. It is how we help our teams develop and grow. A missed opportunity will be missed again, and disruption will disrupt again. Unless they are identified and internalized by those trained to look for them.
As leaders, we must be mindful of how such lessons are provided to our teams, so the lessons are clear and sticky, without being rejected.
The first step in any messaging is to put ourselves in the shoes of the person who will receive the message. We were once in this place, learning a similar lesson or growing a relevant skill. Recall what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a well-delivered message, vs a poor one.
Well-delivered learnings focus on the action and the outcome, not the person. If someone missed an opportunity or made a mistake, they will beat themselves up plenty. Some of the most effective lessons, ones that last lifetimes, are those where the leader acknowledges what happened and then pivots to what can be different next time.
To get the best outcomes going forward, leaders provide clarity on the alternative actions needed and why. Ideally, we communicate confidence in the person’s ability in the face of any doubt, and what support will be offered.
A mistake is an opportunity to learn. Failure is failing to learn from those mistakes. Providing the space to make mistakes and learn from them safely – without fear of retribution – is key for growth and success of any team.
2. The Receiver
Leaders are not immune to receiving critical feedback. In fact, it’s one of the best tools leaders can find for continuous growth and improvement. Yet it might not feel that way in the moment. Depending on the delivery of the other person, and whether it’s expected or a potential blind spot.
We may be tempted to armor up when something unexpected or unpleasant is coming our way. Breathe. Let’s remind ourselves that feedback is a gift, even if it feels like a punch in the stomach first.
If it’s a difficult message to receive, make notes. Focus on what is being said rather than how it feels in the moment. Ask clarifying questions if there’s something unclear or that seems out of alignment.
Sometimes, we might feel our blood rushing in our ears and want to go into fight mode. To defend our position. It’s important to resist that temptation. If need be, we can ask for some time to digest the input and come back with further questions.
Remember the best feedback includes what actions can be taken going forward, confidence in our ability, and support to get to success. Questions we can ask to ensure improve outcomes might include what does good look like? What actions can we take next time? What support do we have?
If at any point we are struggling, we can also remind ourselves we are leaders and role models. We can model how feedback is received and have empathy for ourselves when it’s not as easy as we would like.
3. The Witness
There are times when we are present for a difficult conversation, but it does not directly involve us. As witness and observer, we are party to the message and any potential discomfort. Since we are not the sender or receiver, we must be mindful of whether, how, and when we engage.
Maybe someone on our team is receiving critical feedback regarding a deliverable. It may be tempting to step in and redirect the feedback. In some cases, if the person is very junior and was taking our direction, that may be fair. Yet any time we intervene, even if our intentions are good, it’s a missed opportunity.
While difficult conversations may feel uncomfortable to witness, and to receive, they are a skill every team member will need. Especially if they want to progress in their careers. If we step in, we are taking away a learning opportunity on how to receive feedback and develop poise under pressure.
If it won’t completely ruin someone’s brand or career, it’s important not to step in every time we see one of our team members about to make a mistake or error. It creates space to test and learn.
When we stand back and allow a mistake to happen, then we also must be prepared for the learning that comes afterwards, which may include tough feedback. As the safety net, it’s our job ensure there isn’t brand or career damage, not shield them from all learnings.
While we may want our people to learn, there are limits.
4. The Defender
Occasionally – hopefully it’s the rare occasion – we may be witness to bad behaviors. Those that go beyond critical feedback to berating and belittling. Any time we see someone being treated with less than the dignity and respect that should be offered anyone in a professional setting.
It can be shocking. We may freeze if it’s unexpected or we have not been in this situation before.
There are a few options available to us at the moment, depending on how prepared we are and how egregious the behaviors. We can redirect and pull attention off the person on the receiving end. Depending on the power dynamics in the room, we can also step in and interrupt. Call out bad behaviors in the moment.
There are times when that may not feel safe. We can talk with the person afterwards to offer feedback, suggestions for resolution, and expectations for future interactions. If there is any concern about retaliation or this is repeat behavior, we may need to escalate to HR or employee relations.
No matter what our actions in the room or afterwards, we must check on our person. How are they feeling? What do they need?
If we handle the situation after the fact, they should know action is being taken to improve their sense of safety going forward. There may be sensitive information that cannot be discussed, but they should at least know that something is happening. Otherwise, they may think the mistreatment will continue and the environment will remain unsafe.
The key ingredients to successfully navigating tough conversations
Whether we are giving, receiving, or witnessing difficult conversations, empathy and grace are tools every leader should have at the ready. It might be for ourselves if we are on the receiving end of tough feedback. It could be for the person delivering the message, as they might not find it easy to tell us or a team member that there’s an opportunity for improvement.
Any time we find ourselves involved in a difficult conversation, we can pause. Breathe. Take a moment to remember that feedback is a gift, even when it feels hard at the moment. Remind ourselves we’re a leader and model what we want to see. Have empathy and grace ready to extend to everyone involved.
No matter how difficult the conversation, if we remember our job as leaders is to guide and care for those people in our charge, we can mutually uncover the gift it is meant to convey.
