Why I’m looking back on a painful year filled with gratitude

I remember a year ago, counting down to the end of 2020.  Many of us were looking forward to the end of a really crappy year, hoping it would be better.  Thinking it couldn’t be worse.

Wellllll, then the year started out with an insurrection.  COVID didn’t magically go away.  Heart-breaking moments kept hitting that didn’t give us a moment to breathe.

When I look back on this year, it’s had some really challenging moments.  There has been a lot of loss, grief, and change.  Yet I feel hopeful and grateful.  My friends tell me I’m stoic.  I’m not sure I agree.

There has been doubled-over sobbing grief.  Moments of terrifying uncertainty.  Complete overwhelm that needed a few days of trash fiction to allow my brain to stop (over)thinking.

Yet, in each of those moments, I’ve chosen to see the good.  I’ve found love, learning, growth, or opportunity in each crappy minute.  Maybe I’m in denial, given all the other uncertainty, change, and challenges going on in the world.  Maybe, but I’m still choosing gratitude.

Because there has been good.  I lost my mother, yes.  That sucked more than I expected.  Yet I found a connection with her I couldn’t in life, and stronger ties with my family.  I lost my job, but found a calling.  Got some disturbing news about my health, but am changing my habits and am getting stronger as a result.

I’m not going to mojo 2022 by counting the days of this year or hoping it will be better next year.  Instead, I’m going to wish for another year where I can find the light in the darkness to guide me through.  It’s what I wish for all of us in these uncertain and challenging times.