As I shared previously, I’m working on coming back from autistic burnout. As part of that, I’m doing my best to limit circumstances that I find overwhelming and draining.
That’s a lot harder than it sounds.
A big part of the difficulty comes with shame and guilt. I feel like I should be able to do certain things. If they involve other people, I feel guilty if I don’t participate and then shame when I inevitably struggle.
As I recognize what’s happening and do my best to give myself grace, I realize that I’m not the only one serving up a dish of shame. It’s pervasive and can happen to anyone.
It needs to stop.
Exit stage left
Over the weekend, I was staying in a hotel recovering from my first running race in 2+ years. I was feeling good. The run was over, I napped for a good chunk of the afternoon and wrote my first article in almost a year.
Then it was time to eat. I already knew where I wanted to go after doing research before the trip. There were food options that appealed, and it was close to where I was staying.
As soon as I walked in and sat down, it started. The room was so bright and loud. It wasn’t particularly crowded, but it was over-stimulating for sure. I carry my airpods with me everywhere now, so those went in and I tried to focus on the menu. With too many options, I found myself completely overwhelmed and in tears. It was time to go.
On the way out, I was going to get food to go. Nope…couldn’t be in there a minute longer. I was so upset going back to the hotel, feeling like it shouldn’t be that hard to sit and have dinner. The self-shame of struggling with sensory overload – something I’ve never experienced to this degree before – was at an all-time high.
Back to the hotel I went, further struggling to find something I could eat that would allow me to decompress in my room. Eventually, I found a tried and true option through Grubhub and was able to get through the rest of the night.
Personal choices others may not understand
Since then, I’ve had friends share their own experiences in solidarity. As part of that sharing, they’ve included the reactions from others in their circles. In some cases, the responses weren’t wholly supportive.
That sounds very familiar.
When I’m with another person, I’ll often push myself past my limits. Rather than advocating for what I need, I let the potential reactions of others hold me in place. Why? Because history tells me that my choices won’t be understood or supported.
We may have a hard enough time prioritizing ourselves and our needs. When we do decide to prioritize them, do we really need to run the gamut of others’ approval that they are the right ones?
We are not alone
Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from situations that are not right for us. Even if they seem benign and “no big deal” to others. That is a form of self-care that doesn’t deserve shame. From anyone.
Unfortunately, it often feels isolating when we experience something that requires a type of self-care that others don’t recognize or value. That needs to stop.
My friends sharing their stories remind me we are not alone. There are those that understand our choices in a way that others may struggle to. It’s okay if we don’t always understand. That’s the time to get curious…not shameful.
I’ve spent most of my life not understanding why I would get overwhelmed in certain situations. Why I’d feel compelled to leave or find a quiet space away from the crowd. I couldn’t explain it to those that would poke fun, get angry, demean, or deride me.
Now that I do know, I can explain. But should I really have to? It should be enough to say “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to go” or “This is too much for me today” without inviting a negative response.
Ideally, we get to a place where that’s seen as the highest form of self-care and something to celebrate instead.
