There are so many opportunities in life.  Endless forks in the road, taking us in one direction or another.  It can be confusing.  Immobilizing.  The what ifs and if onlys in life.

If we’ve done the work, we may have life and career goals that make those twists and turns clearer. Intentions that can be our compass when the way becomes unclear.

But what if we know the way, which turn we need to take, and we find ourselves hesitating?  We see the road ahead and know it’s time to go left, but we just can’t take that step?

When I ask myself, or coaching clients, what is driving the hesitation, there are always reasons.  Many of them may even sound justified.  And yet.  They – and I – really want what’s down that road, no matter the reasons for hesitation.  What’s holding us back?

I’ve found one question that helps me when I find myself hesitating.  Whether it’s in a relationship, work, or that big dream I’m pursuing.

What’s the lie I’m telling myself?

I’m a big believer in honesty.  It’s my first cardinal rule “Don’t lie to me.”  Whether it’s at work or at home…lying is something I really struggle with.

The reality is we all lie.  Even someone who has a visceral reaction to it as I do.  I cannot consciously lie without feeling ill.  Yet I will lie.  

To myself.

It’s not intentional.  I don’t think most of us go through life intending to delude ourselves, though we do.  We buy into limiting beliefs, repeat unhealthy patterns, or remain conditioned for certain outcomes.

When we find ourselves hesitating on something we really want, there may be very real reasons.  There may be blockers we are unsure how to overcome.  Headwinds we aren’t sure we have the energy to tackle.

If we address those and keep coming up with reasons to hesitate, there is likely something else going on.  When I find myself in that situation, it’s time to ask:

What lie am I telling myself?

Liar liar

I very much doubt any of us want to go through life self-identifying as a liar (“liar, liar pants on fire is on repeat in my head right now).  

The lies are often insidious and hidden.  Things we may not want to face to maintain what we have.  It could be a relationship, financial security, or the way we or the world views us.

For example, maybe we haven’t been honest with ourselves about what we say we want.  Is it really our desire or someone else’s?  Maybe we’ve been conditioned to want something through the influence of a loved one.  Or there’s a fear of what will happen to our relationships, finances, etc if we move forward with our desired goal.

Recently, I was struggling with the decision to continue corporate life or go into coaching full-time.  I had everything lined up and it seemed like a great time to make the leap.  The passion and energy where there, yet I was feeling pulled to stay in what was known.  To go into a corporate role I wasn’t sure I’d be challenged by.

As a coach, we are encouraged to work with coaches ourselves.  To help identify our blind spots, limiting beliefs, etc.  Even with coaching, I still felt as though I was at this crossroads and unable to take the step I desperately wanted.

So I asked myself – what lie am I telling myself?  It took a while to dig in and really get to what was underlying the hesitation, but once I knew I could take action.

Once we know, we can’t unknow

If few of us want to intentionally lie to ourselves or others, answering this question is critical.  Once we know, we can’t unknow.  Once we see, we can’t unsee.  Clarity in the messages we are telling ourselves allows us to choose whether we want to continue with that noise.

If we are working from old tapes that are no longer serving us, we can actively choose to change them. Limiting beliefs?  Embrace or dismantle them. It takes work, but the first step is recognizing what’s going on.  

Or not.  Once we identify we’ve pursued a course of action because we were conditioned, we can still decide to keep going.  It’s all about conscious choice rather than allowing our subconscious to subvert us or keep us immobilized.

I’ve got a common tape in my head about what makes a “good mom” and some of the characteristics are not particularly kind or helpful.  The fear of not being a good mom has held me back on a number of things I’ve wanted to pursue.

And yet.

That same voice is the voice of reason at times.  I love taking on new challenges and changing things up.  Staring at the same four walls for very long makes me antsy.  

That voice keeps me mindful when I’m dreaming about moving and checking out listings on Redfin.  Or imagining quitting my job and diving head-first into coaching.  I still want to do that at some point, but I’ve got a timeline that makes logical sense.  The “good mom” voice keeps me on track when I’m getting restless and want to change for change’s sake. 

The choice is ours

Self-honesty isn’t meant to shame but to reveal.  When we consider the ways we lie to ourselves to stay where we are, some of them may be helpful and others not.  Once we know the lie, we can change it into a choice.

If that “good mom” voice isn’t always helpful because it tends to be shaming (and immobilizing at times), I can challenge the narrative.  Good moms can take risks and be entrepreneurs.  I have decided that I want to balance risk by pursuing the timeline I’ve laid out.  It doesn’t make me risk-averse or a better mom.  It’s how I feel most comfortable pursuing my dreams in a chaotic world as a single mom.

The next time we find ourselves at a fork in the road, staring longingly at a path we just can’t seem to take, we can ask the question: what lie am I telling myself?  It make take a while to reflect and get through natural resistance.  We can have strong emotions attached to the internal narratives that drive us.

Be curious, yet gentle.  Those narratives have been there to guide and protect us.  They may no longer serve us, but they are there for a reason.  

Mine have driven me for decades and it’s taking time to identify and dismantle them. To reframe them into something that serves me instead of keeping me on a narrow path.  I’ve had to face anger, frustration, and despair as I stare longingly at a path I’m not yet ready to take.  The result is a feeling of empowerment that I CHOOSE to take a circuitous route and make daily choices that will get me there in my time.

When we know, we can make that empowering choice.  What choice will you make for yourself today?