Why I’m learning and unlearning patterns of the past to improve the now

It’s been a year.  One year since my mom died.

I find myself thinking of her more often recently.  As my son tries to figure out his independence, I realize the similarities to the past.

Yes, he’s his own person, but the teenage journey is a well-traveled one.  When we try to figure out who we are.  Push boundaries.  Discover our gifts and worry that they make us different.  Hopefully eventually learn they are the things that make us uniquely us.

I want to do things differently.  Not because I dislike my life.  I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  I can’t love who I am and hate the journey that got me here.

But there are elements of my story that I don’t want for my son.  Doubts and limiting beliefs I still struggle with.  Narratives sowed in my youth that I’m still rooting out.  

Some of those stories I worry are coming at him as well.  I wasn’t prepared for everyone trying to tell me who I was.  I didn’t have support to put others’ narratives in context.  To decide what to embrace and what to defend myself against.  I can be that support for him.

Echoes of the past

My upbringing was a solid, if unusual, middle-class story.  A stay-at-home mom and military dad.  The witch (no lie) and the Marine.  They couldn’t have been more different, and their disconnects and dysfunctions made a difficult time even more challenging.

I don’t want those dysfunctions repeated.  The stories I was told and have had to unlearn are not ones I want my son learning.  I don’t want any part of what I’m carrying to become something he ends up carrying as well.

Those patterns, frustrations, and disappointments of the past need to stay there.  Otherwise, they will steal the joy of now.

If I have to learn one lesson from my mother, that is it.  She carried her past with her all the time, and it sat in the center of every interaction.  She was unable to enjoy the now, because her mind was always on the past.  

My mother died carrying a lot of baggage.  It was always the third party in every conversation.  One that was difficult for anyone that knew and loved her to compete with.  So most of us stopped trying.

That’s my lesson.  Holding on to frustrations of the past steals the joy of now.  It sits between people, limiting connection.  Restricting the flow of love and communication.

Embrace the now

Learning how to put down the baggage, let go of what has been, and embrace the current moment is my number one goal.  Especially when engaging with my son.

I’ve found myself struggling at times.  We’ll argue about homework.  In the next breath, he wants to do something together.  My head is still in the argument.  

Does it need to be resolved?  Maybe not right now.  Maybe we don’t need resolution.  Instead, maybe we need to have the positive engagement.  

He’s a teenage boy.  He doesn’t always want to spend time with me.  So when he does, I’m jumping on it.  Letting go, the best I’m able, of whatever came before and focusing on the now.  During those engagements, I end up hearing about his day, worries, girls, and the homework struggles.  But in a way that works best for him.  Not for me, but for him.

If only I can let go of what came before.

Find a new pattern

We all have our own lessons to unlearn and new patterns to establish.  In my case, there are three I’ve been working on.

• When acts of service is your love language, remember to act in service to what the other person needs, not what you think they need.

• Don’t let resentment and frustration steal your joy.  Put them down and embrace the good moments when you have them.  You are never promised another one.

• Bad behaviors and patterns need to be addressed, but allow time for fun.  For learning those lessons in the way they can best receive.  Not always the way you want to teach.

These patterns are made all the more obvious in interactions with my son, because they are bringing up echoes of my past.  But I have no doubt they are showing up in other areas as well.  They may not be as obvious, or show up in the same way, but patterns have a habit of repeating.

Whether you have children in the house, or interact with friends, co-workers, and loved ones, what patterns do you find yourself repeating?  Are they healthy, in service to you and your relationships?  

If not, it might be worth identifying and adjusting the patterns.  Make them work for you, and not at cross-purposes to what you want in your life and interactions.

A year later, I am still discovering new things about my mother. And myself. It’s the healthiest our relationship has been, and I’m grateful for every new insight. For being able to find the joy now, as I let go of the past.