I belong to a women’s networking group and there was a recent question that got a lot of women talking. One member asked how to engage as the lone woman in the room when it seems as though all the men have sports in common. She is not a sports person herself, and wondered how to engage authentically in a space that doesn’t feel welcoming.
There was a lot of advice shared. One interesting share was The GIST newsletter. It’s available a few times a week, providing sports highlights to women so they could confidently participate in sports discussions at work.
I love live sports, but don’t follow local teams now that I no longer live in New England (up there, I couldn’t help but know all about what was going on with every professional team). For those of us in the Triangle NC area, it’s mostly college sports and EVERYONE gets caught up in the Duke/UNC rivalry and the NCAA tournament.
Or so I would have thought. But what about those that really have no interest? Rather than fake it for the sake of fitting in, what other options are there?
The power of affinity and connection
As a general rule, humans crave connection. We trust who we know, and figuring out how to connect with others to gain that trust can be an important skill when we need support for projects, ideas, funding, etc.
When I used to travel oversees for work regularly, there was an entirely different universe of “table talk.” Figuring out how to establish connections with new people, in new cultures, with potentially very different interests…it could be nerve wracking.
While there are no universal rules – we humans tend to have our own rules as to our interests – there is science behind affinity. Unless we make an active choice to diversify our interactions, we tend to gravitate towards those we think are like us.
So how to find something “like” when the obvious doesn’t fit?
Know your audience
I was traveling to Spain and meeting with a local leader. I was warned ahead of time that he didn’t want to meet with me and didn’t see the value of my work. Yet, I had to get him on board or the projects I was launching wouldn’t be successful.
Before meeting with him, I asked some trusted colleagues what they could tell me about him. The one thing they shared was his obsession with cars. He had models all over his office.
Now, I’m not particularly interested in cars. However, I was married at the time to someone who was and had even raced them. I kept that knowledge in my back pocket and entered the meeting.
In the beginning, it didn’t go well. I attempted to focus on the value of the work and get him on board strictly on merit. It felt like climbing up a steep hill at elevation. Nothing but resistance.
There was a short break in the conversation and I asked about the cars around his office. He was clearly passionate about them and loved to talk about the topic. When he asked if I loved cars, I was honest and said no. “But, my husband is an afficionado as well, and even races on occasion.”
The entire energy of the meeting changed. We started talking about racing and I mentioned that I preferred 2 wheels to 4 as a cyclist. We got to talking about fitness, which is my jam, and I shared that I also ran, and was even running the Medio that weekend, a half marathon through Madrid. Turns out he had run it several times in the past and was full of advice.
We found our shared connection and I found my key supporter.
Control the narrative
Knowing our audience can help establish connection and use the power of affinity. One-on-one, it can help build trust.
But what about in a group setting, where it may be hard to get a word in edgewise? And the group seems to constantly control the topic?
Years ago, I was told that if I wanted to get support from those in the room, I should leave space for human moments. To allow time for me to know others, or for them to know me.
Following that, I started leaving room at the beginning of meetings for connection and trust-building. As the person who was leading the meetings, I could set the tone with whatever topic I’d like – if I was the first on the call. If I joined late, then others would start with their topics of interest.
I was living in New England at the time, so whatever was going on with the Sox, Patriots, or Bruins was the usually the prevailing topic. By the time I joined it, it would be disjointed to suddenly shift.
If the early part of meetings tend to be overrun with topics that are not our particular passion (or interest), we can join early. If we are the first on the call, we can ask questions or prompt conversation about a topic that’s more accessible.
It is still worth knowing the audience and their interests. If we love knitting, and no one else knows what a purl stitch is, it might not be the best topic. However, saying we spent a relaxing weekend getting some knitting in, and asking about how others spent their weekend or what their go-to hobbies are could be a good choice.
Diversity and inclusion at every table
Feeling welcome and a sense of belonging at the table makes a big difference in how we show up at work. When we feel unlike others, or otherwise excluded from the group, our confidence and performance can suffer.
The concept (and importance) of inclusion gets talked about a great deal, but I’m not sure there is consistent understanding of what that looks like. What it isn’t, however, is consistently having conversations that exclude part of the group.
If we are leaders, we have positional power and likely often set the topic of conversation. In order to not abuse it, it’s critical to ensure topics are accessible and relevant whenever possible.
Sports comes up as a common example. However, there are all sorts of circumstances where we might feel like the odd (wo)man out. If you’re childless by choice and/or have struggled with infertility, a room full of moms talking about their kids could range from uncomfortable to downright painful.
As leaders, if it’s our table, we have a responsibility to make that table as welcoming as possible. Want the best performance from a team? Know the team members and their interests, and make sure that the conversations intended to build trust don’t inadvertently erode it.
What techniques do you leverage to establish connection and trust? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments to help others on their journey.
