I haven’t written in 2 weeks. Two weeks. Just on the edge of itching to get the words out of my system.
Usually in that time, I will read something, attend an event, or otherwise be inspired to put pen to paper.
The last time was for International Women’s Day. I remember being so inspired and excited. Since it is women’s history month, I must have written 3 or 4 posts I could share each week of the month.
I remember attending the event with some trepidation. But I committed I’d be there. We washed our hands. Used sanitizer after we all handled the mic because there was only one. No handshakes, but amazing connections through shared stories of various women.
That was Friday March 6th. Saturday I wrote. Sunday my son was exposed to COVID-19.
We didn’t know it at the time. We wouldn’t know it for another week.
A week of change
I went to work Monday and Tuesday. In that time, I went to another event for women. Talked into another shared mic. Met with my peers. Met with the leaders on my team.
By Tuesday, I was past done coming into the office. I had been preparing for weeks, knowing what was coming, but not when I should go from prepared to locked down. In the news and social feeds, there were still a majority not taking this seriously. Would I be supported?
I stopped going into work Wednesday. Started moving meetings to online as a “dry run” as we were already discussing the possibility of full time remote work. I fully realize how fortunate I am that my company had reached the same conclusion and that we can all work remotely. That so many do not have those same options, or even jobs at this point.
I went out late at night that week. I picked up groceries I felt we still needed while the stores were quiet and being restocked. Last errands to make the home office optimal, thinking I might be there for several months.
By Thursday, I was concerned my son’s school had not yet closed. I was getting ready to pull him. Wondering what would happen and whether I’d get into legal trouble.
Friday we were told school was closed for 2 weeks I picked up a few more things were obtained to make sure we could both work and learn at home.
It was Saturday the 14th that I last left the house. The day I started using Instacart and rearranged our house to support spaces for working and learning. Setting up for an extended stay indoors.
The COVID call
It was Sunday the 15th that I saw a post on Facebook about the event my son attended. Anyone who was there on the 8th between 2 and 4pm needed to call the COVID hotline.
I’ve been afraid in this life. Afraid of heights. Of someone’s temper or physical harm. Of losing my job.
I have only experienced true terror a few times, fortunately. Every one of those moments has been watching my son go through something medical that I can’t help him with. When I have to be strong and calm, but inside I’m screaming because he’s suffering and I can only watch.
To say it was overwhelming to think he’d been exposed was an understatement. But I called. And was in no way reassured.
At this point, we were being encouraged not just to social distance, but to stay home if we could. Following a potential exposure to someone who tested positive, I was told we were “not advised to restrict our movements at this time.”
I work in healthcare and questioned the response. They double-checked. Nope, we can go about our business unless we start showing symptoms.
Instead, I doubled down on our lockdown. We could walk the dogs for sunshine and exercise. Play in the yard. No stores. No playgrounds or play dates. Only food we prepared ourselves.
I feel very fortunate to work in healthcare at this time. To receive confirmation I was doing the right thing. Around me, some were still questioning. I managed the doubt and carried on the best I knew.
The long week
Monday, I told my manager about the potential exposure. I shared my experience with my peers and the leaders on my team. It’s PHI (personal health information), and generally a no-no. But I made the choice and opted to share, just as I’m sharing now. Why? So we can prepare.
As a leader in an organization, I have a choice. I can keep my personal life completely separate from my work life. I choose not to do that. Instead, I tap into it because I lead people. Not developers and analysts, but people.
My peers, the leaders on my team, and I can all learn from an experience I am willing to share. It can help us understand, be more empathetic, and READY for what our people will likely experience.
We were day 9 into a 2-week self-quarantine I didn’t even know we needed to do until day 8.
Transformations are what I do. Yet I don’t think any of us, no matter how used to change we may be, are prepared for this. We will have to adjust. Sometimes daily.
I was struggling as a mother, waiting to know if my son would be okay. Counting each day and evaluating the odds we were both asymptomatic, since we are not genetically related. It’s now been 14 days – a very long 14 days – and we are (fortunately) just fine.
As a single mother, I was worried about getting sick and caring for my son. Working full-time, I’m still not sure about distance learning.
As an employee, I was doing my best to focus on the work that needed doing. I was reaching out to our health services group to let them know what happened and determine what else, if anything, I needed to do.
The leader in me was concerned for my people and how to help them navigate the week and the uncertainty. I was on daily standup meetings about the virus, unable to get a break from the news and the in-your-face of it throughout the day.
These are all very real emotions and personas existing concurrently. It was important for me to recognize them. To admit them. To share them. So when it’s someone else in the team, we could all do our best to relate and support them.
Finding a new normal
This past week, we went from a few people going into the office to everyone being home. From an almost exclusively in-person culture of 2 weeks ago, to a completely virtual workforce.
We transitioned from a somewhat active group, walking between meetings and buildings, to a sedentary one. As someone who has struggled at times with health and wellness, I was hyper aware of my step count. By noon the first day, I had only walked 147 steps. I heard that from others and we are encouraging movement daily.
We’ve all struggled with technology, which is funny and ironic coming from a bunch of STEM folks. Talking over each other in conference calls by accident, then the extended silence, only to do it again. Hearing the birds as someone tries to walk outside while meeting. Or sounding like we’re in a tunnel for some unknown reason.
Connection has become the most important thing. How do we make sure the different types of people on our teams are getting what they need? Some are head’s down and focused on work. Some want and need more connection, even just to say hello. We are going to get it wrong as much as we get it right because this has been so sudden, but we are figuring it out.
Throughout all of it, I also have to be aware it is happening to me, not just my team. I’m an emotive introvert. It is actually easier for me to be behind a screen at this point. My emotions play across my face and it’s hard to be read so easily at a time like this.
I’m not trying to hide what’s going on, but I am trying to manage it and I don’t always know how. There are times when tears track down my face at just how overwhelming this is. They are for me, and then I jump back into the fray. I imagine that I am not the only one.
The unknown road ahead
This is an unprecedented time for all of us. The closest example many of us have are the travel restrictions and unknowns following 9/11. Without lock downs. We didn’t have entire states or countries told to stay in their homes.
During this time, I feel like it would be tone deaf for me to continue writing as if there’s nothing different. When everything is different.
So I’m going to adjust. I’m going to write about what is going on. As a single mother, a leader, and as a human being, looking to navigate whatever this is. Wherever we end up on the other side.
I will share what I can when and while I can about myself, because I can’t share it about anyone else due to PHI. I am using this time as an opportunity to prepare. Lord knows, there are more challenging events ahead of us. I don’t want to think this way, but it is inevitable.
We are all affected by isolation. Many of us will be affected by illness, and possibly even death. Even if it is not us personally, it will be a friend, family member, or co-worker.
I am not trying to be morbid, negative, dramatic, or create panic. I am anticipating the emotional toll it will take on individuals, teams, and leaders who have dealt with nothing like it.
There is no playbook for what’s ahead. For those who will continue to work throughout this crisis, leading someone professionally and personally has never been more important.
I want to be wrong. Ideally, this ends soon and the loss of life that’s already happening around the world stops.
No matter how long this lasts, and the impacts along the way, I have hope. Hope that we end up somewhere better on the other side. A new normal that takes the connections people are developing virtually and integrates them back into our lives in a way I think we need. And are long overdue for.
Writing and connecting during chaos
I have about 6 weeks’ worth of articles queued up that will continue to post on Thursdays. If someone needs a break from talk of working from home, COVID, or whatever, those will still show up each week.
The rest of the time, I’m going to write. I’m going to post when that happens and not queue it up. The world is changing daily and we are responding in real-time.
Hopefully what I write is valuable to even one person. If not, it’s valuable to me because it feeds my soul. It has been my way to create virtual connections, even if I never know it.
If you find yourself occasionally reading what’s here, please reach out. In this time of being physically disconnected, I appreciate virtual connections even more. To help in any way that I can – whether that’s leaders figuring out how to support their teams, mothers unsure how to get through, or as humans leaning on each other through an unknown journey.
Let’s do our best to navigate it together.
