For years, I’ve wanted to volunteer with my son. What started as a simple desire to broaden his worldview became a life-changing experience that reshaped our relationship in ways I never expected. If you’re navigating the complex waters of parenting—especially parenting a teenager—our story might offer some insights for your own journey.
Different Beginnings
I grew up very differently than my son did. I never really felt like we struggled, but I wore hand-me-downs and patched clothes. Work started at a young age because I wanted “cool” clothes and had to provide them for myself.
I waited to become a parent. To be financially stable. Then there were the fertility issues that pushed it off even further. By the time I brought my son home, I had a very secure life where I didn’t have to worry about bills getting paid. I still bought things second-hand because frugality is not something you unlearn, but my son experienced a very different life in his early years than I did. If one of his parents wanted something, the wait usually wasn’t very long.
Hence volunteering. I think it’s so important to give back, but also to remain aware that our lived experiences don’t match that of others. No matter what our experience is, someone else is living something different. Through affinity and proximity biases, who we surround ourselves with tends to reflect where we are in life. Unless we are intentional, that can become a very small circle that tends to look, sound, and think the same.
The Gift of Giving
When in a place of abundance, I believe in giving of my time, efforts, and/or funds. I also want to make sure it’s giving to those that need it and I’m open to receiving. Receiving the gratitude, humility, awareness, and insight that volunteering affords.
Back to my son. He’s resisted. When he was younger, we worked together on donation drives. As he got older, he wanted no part of mom’s lame attempts at getting him out of the house doing good. Recently, there was an event – his story, not mine to tell – that required he volunteer. While I wasn’t thrilled with what happened, I chose to see the upside. He needed a wake-up call and it was an opportunity for him to learn, grow, and mature on many levels.
Finding Our Purpose
Volunteering has been everything I hoped and imagined. I’ve volunteered on my own over the years, primarily as a pro-bono coach or on non-profit boards. Teaching free classes, or finding other ways to share freely of what I know, or know how to do to help others.
This time, we are helping feed the homeless. We’ve been going on the weekend to prepare and serve meals, usually working with church groups that sign up to make and serve the meal. It’s been amazing on three fronts – for me, for my son, and for our relationship.
My Awakening
I’ll start with my own lessons. This has been a reminder of how good we have it and how much excess we live with. I’m also reminded that there are more ways to give than my gray matter. Sometimes, the best help I can offer is rolling up my sleeves or sharing a smile. Everyone is so kind – it’s a reminder that our circumstances do not have to dictate how we show up in the world.
Witnessing His Transformation
My son is maturing before my eyes. The way he interacts and leans into the experience blows me away. He’s claimed a spot where he’s the last person they talk to in the line, and he loves it. He’s got a kind word for everyone, fist bumps to those that want them, respectful engagement with the women, and bro-code with the men (Hey man, what’s chillin’?). The other volunteers watch him and are impressed every time we show up. The non-profit team loves when we’re there and that we get right to work filling gaps. My son is thriving with the positive reinforcement.
I’m finally seeing the man he is becoming without fear. This is also prompting him to lean into his future. He’s looking ahead for the first time because the other volunteers ask about his future. He’s pushing to finish his Senior year coursework and looking ahead to trade school with more energy and planning.
Our Evolving Relationship
This has been huge for our relationship as we work together to help others. He comes to me with ideas of what else we can do. It gives us an opportunity to hang out that’s free (versus constant requests for retail therapy) and putting goodness out into the world.
He’s already talking about continuing each week after the required hours are done. He enjoys being purposeful and needed and feeling like it matters he’s there. I like that we’re doing it together, and I suspect he does too even if he won’t admit it. We’re starting to transition from mom hammering him about homework and being the driver to his next steps in the world to a different dynamic. We still lock horns – we’re very similar and neither gives an inch – but this is the first step in coming together. To shifting from mom to mentor. To trusted guide vs frustrated nag.
Lessons Learned Through Service
We were both anxious that first day. Again, we are a lot alike. At first, we didn’t know what to expect, but at the end of the day, we just needed to be open to the experience with a willingness to help. We’ve both found our footing after several weeks in an ever-changing environment. While it feels good to help, they’ve helped us more than we’ve helped them. The opportunity created for my son to lean into manhood is priceless. Giving me a peek into that, during a time when hanging with mom isn’t cool, will always be a gift that means more than I can possibly repay.
Finding Common Ground Through Service
Maybe you’re struggling to connect with your teenager. Perhaps you’re looking for ways to broaden your child’s worldview beyond their comfortable bubble. Or maybe you simply want to create meaningful memories that don’t involve spending money or staring at screens.
Consider volunteering together. Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Start small but be consistent – Even if it’s just once a month, regular volunteering creates rhythm and expectation.
- Let them choose – If possible, involve them in selecting the cause or organization that speaks to them.
- Make space for processing – Some of the best conversations happen on the drive home when you’re both reflecting on the experience.
- Acknowledge their growth – Notice and verbalize when you see positive changes, both to them and (occasionally) to others while they’re within earshot.
- Be willing to be uncomfortable together – Shared vulnerability creates unique bonds that are hard to forge in everyday life.
Volunteering won’t solve all your parenting challenges. My son and I still disagree plenty. But creating this shared purpose has given us common ground that transcends our differences. It’s given us both perspective on our own lives and a renewed appreciation for each other.
If you’ve been looking for a bridge to reconnect with your child—especially a teenager—try building it through service to others. The perspective you gain and the memories you create might just be the unexpected gift you both need.
