3 new lessons from my latest burnout to help prevent the next one

It’s that time again.  Burnout.  My favorite.

I should have known, but this time was sneaky.  Usually, work is the thing that pushes me over the edge.  This time, I’m in a new job that I love.  One that started about a year ago now.  Right around the time this burnout cycle started.

That’s right.  I’ve been in burnout for almost a year.  And I had no idea.

There were signs along the way.  Times when things were really rough.  I thought I managed them and got to the other side pretty well.  I was happy for a good chunk of time.  It wasn’t until I found myself unexplainedly exhausted and started digging that I figured out why.  Well, that and a conversation with my therapist.

I told her I thought I was experiencing burnout.  “Autistic burnout?”  Well, shit.

Just when I thought I understood burnout…

I meet with someone who specializes in autism and ADHD so that I don’t keep muddling my way through the challenges I experience.  Someone who can point me to better coping tools, improve my understanding of my hows and whys, etc.

It’s been helpful, but only to a point.  Me being me (and me being AuDHD), that meant a rabbit hole of research right after our session.  I realized how little I still know, and that I wasn’t monitoring some key watch points.

Each time I’ve experienced burnout, it’s been different.  A few times I’ve ended up on the couch unable to move.  The first time, I didn’t know what happened until reflecting back years later.  The second, it took about a week to realize what was going on and ask for help.  With awareness, the next only took a few days before I could intervene on my own behalf.

Other times, I’m functional but frustrated.  Snapping at people.  Before I get to that point, word on the street is I get “edgy”.  That’s what my friend calls it.  Edgy means take a break and go hike a mountain.  Take a vacation alone somewhere and decompress for a bit.

By all accounts, I seemed to be coping well this time around.  Any struggles I was experiencing seemed reasonable with life stuff.  Because I forgot to consider my AuDHD.

A natural tension and delicate balance

There have definitely been challenges going about in the world as someone with AuDHD.  At work, at home, in relationships…oye.  And yet I’m very fortunate.  Early on, someone helped guide me into a career where the two competing parts could thrive.  Something that allowed for new and novel (ADHD), as well as pattern recognition and structure (autism).  

Given the low and under-employment rate for autistics, I can only be forever grateful that I ended up in a profession that has allowed me gainful employment.   One where I could (mostly) thrive, even if it frequently meant feeling like I didn’t fit in.

The work environment definitely has patterns I’ve been able to understand better with time.  Once I better understood AuDHD, how I navigated those patterns and anticipated struggle became much easier.  People are still tricky…they are not 1’s and 0’s and fully predictable, but people at work definitely have a way about them.

At home?  Not so much.

I’m still trying to figure out that whole peopling thing.  With time, I’ve become more understanding and forgiving of myself when I struggle.  Given myself more grace and less shame when my preferences don’t align with others’.

Mostly.

Yet that’s how I ended up in burnout this time without realizing it.  Relationships.  So what did I learn this time around that can help next time?  Whether burnout is brought on by work, home, or life…what new truths can get added to the burnout radar?

1.      Don’t put off my needs in service to others’

That expression “put on your own mask first” on airplanes is no joke.  I knew in October that I was struggling.  My son went to live with his dad and I was an unexpected empty-nester.  My dog passed away the next day.  It was a LOT.  Immediately, I was saying it was time to take a hiking trip and “leave it all on the mountain.”

I still haven’t been.

There were all sorts of reasons.  I was busy downsizing, moving into a new home, and nesting.  A new project at work.  Trips to see my son.  A few with my boyfriend.

Endless things happening.  Taking care of my need for solitude kept getting pushed off.  I wasn’t doing anything to put energy back into my tank, but I seemed happy.  Everyone kept telling me how happy they were at how happy I was.

Maybe, but I was still drawing from a bank account that was running dry.  I was creating a new life, but the reality is my old life had things in it that I needed to stay energized.  My routines were there for a reason – they are critical as an autistic to stay regulated.  All the new ones I was creating were designed around others’ needs and not my own.

It’s not selfish to prioritize our own needs, especially as women.  That narrative has to go.  Rates of burnout in women continue to rise and expectations of us as caregivers are a contributing factor.  Caring for ourselves must be a priority.

I’m on a trip by myself that was supposed to include someone else.  My guilt of asking them not to go was extraordinary.  If I wanted to keep the relationship, I had to do it anyway.

2.      Fight to keep special interests

The first sign of autistic burnout, I’ve learned, is losing interest in special interests.  I stopped writing 10 months ago.  I’ve been a writer my entire life, so it should have been a wake-up call last year.

This is the first article I’ve written in 10 months.  Ideas were rare and the few I had felt too difficult to act on.  I should have realized how big the issue was when I stopped coaching in September.  Given what was going on with my son at the time, it seemed natural.  Nope.

My last special interest, working out, got the kybosh from my doc not long after.  No wonder I was drained.  These are things that fill the bank account.  They give me the boost I need to navigate that peopling thing.  Get through the mundane of adulting when it feels hard.

Previously, I’d write every morning after a brutal workout.  Coaching would happen at the start and end of the week.  This allowed me to moderate my energy levels, do the adulting thing, and manage unexpected stressors.

Without any special interests, I was digging into my reserves until I didn’t have any.  A few months ago, I started coaching again at work.  Eventually, I felt compelled to start running again (with a doctor convo fyi).  My instincts were telling me what I needed.  Once I understood I was in burnout, it was also time to write again.

3.      Beware new hyper-fixations

Here’s where I went really wrong.  Remember that AuDHD thing???  ADHD gets energy from new and novel.  It’s like “SQUIRREL!!!” all the time.  Autism craves the known and routine and ADHD craves shiny new things and chaos.

Usually, I can balance the two.  For me, new hyper-fixations that align to existing special interests are easiest.  For example, when I wanted to learn pickleball or take up rock climbing, as they fit into my workout special interest.

Starting in September, I began all sorts of new hyper-fixations that didn’t align.  It didn’t worry me because I was constantly getting juiced by new stuff.  Temporarily at least.

The “Warning Will Robinson!” moment probably should have been when I started learning how to cook.  For some people, it makes sense to be excited about a new kitchen.  EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALARMED.  I don’t cook.  It was in my vows when I got married.  Seriously…I don’t cook.  It’s not my thing.

I was being Martha freaking Stewart in my new kitchen.  Cooking for other people.  On purpose.  Regularly.

I’m being dramatic, but it’s still serious.  The new hyper-fixations, like cooking, were giving me boosts that masked how depleted I was getting.  None of us could tell how bad it had gotten until I started getting tired all day every day, even after a full night of quality sleep.  Then I could finally tell something was wrong…the distractions weren’t enough juice to hide behind.

What now?

Life hasn’t stopped.  My guilt at prioritizing myself hasn’t either.

It happens every time I’m asked to do something that’s “no big deal.”  Small things are big to me right now.  I can’t keep accommodating others at my expense.

I’ve scheduled that damn hiking trip.  Took myself away for the weekend and ran in my first race in 2+ years.  Wrote this while I recovered.  Told my circle what I needed and reinforced boundaries when they pushed anyway.  Because I taught them it was okay for too long.

It’s not okay anymore.

I’ll get my energy back and rediscover a routine that works for me.  I’ll still be tempted to sacrifice it because my love language is acts of service.  And yet…my mask has to stay on.  That means making sure those around me understand what to look for now that I do.  How they can help me so I don’t burn out prioritizing them.

I need to refill my internal bank account – in the form of writing, coaching, and workouts.  Hyper-fixations need to align and not distract me from taking care of my physical, mental, and emotional health.

I’m also going to take it easy.  This article could be the first of many I put out in the ether.  If I’m writing, I’m not going to pressure myself to post or be coherent.  Just to start and tell myself it’s enough.

Isn’t that always the lesson?  Grace.  The thing I / we tend to forget.  Yes the world could use more grace for others, but we also need to claim it for ourselves.