I’ve been looking forward to my big 5-0 birthday for a long time. For some, it might be cause for dismay or denial, but I’ve found each decade brings new learnings, opportunities, and joy. Ones I never could have anticipated looking ahead but have been amazing looking back.
As I close out my fifth decade, I’m spending time reflecting. While I may also raise a glass of cava and find a good cannoli, the reflections are the best gift I can give myself. They are a reminder of challenges, heartache, and tears. They are also endless stories of perseverance, joy, strength, and transformation.
Maybe I’m the only one, but each of my decades had a theme. A major life lesson that I needed to learn to go into the next part of my journey.
1. You can handle more change than you know
As a military kid, I moved around a lot. I recall being in Kindergarten, having just left a group of friends when we moved from North Carolina to California. Devastated, I wanted to stay in touch with them…something familiar in the face of major change.
I value those early experiences with change. They are what allowed me to relocate across the country, to a new job, new friends, and a new life with limited anxiety. To managing the stress that comes with moving 40 or more times, marrying and divorcing, intentionally changing jobs, and being laid off.
During those times of change, I’ve found that I still need the touchstone of relationships. Whether it’s my closest friends or family members, they keep me grounded when change is afoot. And it’s constantly afoot. My eventual career was as a technology change leader…embracing and initiating change regularly.
Whether I’m initiating change or on the receiving end of it, as long as I have the support of key relationships, I’ve found I can handle pretty much anything (knocking on wood…I’m still working through my latest changes universe, so slow your roll).
2. The things that make you different are your gifts
Do you remember the teen years? Ugh. The angst. Dating. Don’t get me started on middle school.
I didn’t find out I had AuDHD (autism+ADHD) until much later in my life. At that time, I was shuffled from school to school as we moved. Every time I’d start at a new one, the question would always arise…where did I belong?
It was difficult to know where I fit, whether it was in groups of kids or classes. I struggled to make and keep friends and my schoolwork was inconsistent. There wasn’t anywhere that I stood out or fit in.
As a teen, we want so badly to fit in (I’m not sure that quest for belonging ever really goes away). Wear the clothes, use the expressions, listen to the music, and do the things other kids do. Yet the things that make us different are our gifts.
Yes, I struggle with interpersonal interactions. However, there’s no more loyal a friend once you’re in my life. I struggle with attention to detail, such as with homework, but see patterns that most people miss and can manage complex multi-million dollar programs. In the right environment, with the right people, what might otherwise be seen as a challenge can be revealed as a gift.
3. You won’t miss a thing, so pursue every opportunity you can
The key lesson of my 20’s was provided by my namesake, my grandmother. I used to drive to see her at least once a month and take her to lunch. We’d spend the weekend together and I’d always ask her to share family stories with me.
On one such visit, I was worrying about my relationship prospects. Work was going very well and I was committed to building my career. At the same time, I worried that the rejected proposals and exited relationships might have ended my chance for a family.
She told me the story of my great-grandmother. At a time when women married and had children young, she traveled the world. She didn’t marry and start her family until her 30’s and encouraged my grandmother to wait as well. She told her “I waited to start that phase of my life and I didn’t miss a thing.”
What is meant for us will find us. During my 20’s, I traveled the world and experienced as much as it had to offer. I set myself up for the life I have now. Yes, I eventually married and became a mother, but I didn’t miss a thing. Instead, I pursued all that I could in each phase of my life. I still do.
4. You have endless power and possibilities
During the early years of my career, I relied heavily on one mentor to show me what was possible. While having that kind of purposeful support was invaluable, it wasn’t long until I felt stuck.
That first mentor pushed me past what I thought I was capable of. I was leading teams of Marines by 21 and pursuing degrees and certifications like candy. A decade later, I felt like I was stagnating and struggled to find anyone that could help me continue to grow.
The company I worked for wasn’t used to someone who was happy to change roles and tackle new problems regularly. Each time I landed somewhere new, the work I did was appreciated, but the leader didn’t really know what to do with me. Add in my interpersonal struggles (networking is my kryptonite) and finding help proved difficult.
It was a partnership with an executive coach that really helped me start unlocking my own potential. If I was going to drive my growth and development, it was time to become a purposeful life-long learner. To figure out how to harness my insatiable quest for the new and novel in all aspects of my life, whether as a new mother or in a long-term role.
As I’ve gotten older, that hunger for knowledge hasn’t abated, nor has the quest for new. Instead of waiting for someone else to figure out how to deploy my gifts, I’ve been able to identify, embrace, and COMMUNICATE them as I’ve found interesting opportunities. I’ve also tapped into my innate power to drive me wherever they may be found.
5. The thing you fear is real, the journey is hard, and the rewards are worth it
I’m not going to lie…my 40’s were hard. I mean DAMN. Major surgeries and health concerns. Losing a parent. Divorce and dating (ugh…it’s worse the second time around). Job loss. And then there was that pesky pandemic.
And yet it has also been the most powerful time of my life.
I was so afraid to leave my marriage. What would happen to my son? My future? I was miserable but had no idea what life would be like on the other side. One day it was clear the time had come and I jumped into the unknown.
It’s been scary. There have been difficult, terrible, lonely, frustrating, and terrifying moments. And my life is the best it’s been…probably ever.
I decided to pursue coaching as my divorce started. My first client? Me. I went to work, knowing I had a tough road and wanting to be able to help myself as much as possible.
Since then, I’ve embraced the dark times. As a coach, writer, and mentor, I know my purpose. These hard moments are not meant to break me. They are meant to teach me. To help me grow into the next version of myself. One that helps others as they experience similar challenges.
Yes, the thing we want might mean doing something scary. It can be hard with ugly cries and immobilizing uncertainty. And it can be the best decision we ever make.
Bonus: Embrace yourself and you’ll belong everywhere you go
As I look ahead at the next decade, I am not yet sure what the lesson will be. However, I know one thing I’m committed to working on.
From my earliest memories, I’ve felt out of step. Like I’m operating on a different wavelength from those around me. Turns out I have been.
A recent diagnosis with AuDHD explained so much about the struggles I’ve experienced over the last 5 decades. While struggle is the human condition, I’m done struggling with myself. Belonging is something that I’ve craved, but there’s only one place I really need to belong.
With myself.
As I continue to embrace all parts of myself, I’m finding more peace in my life. I may not fit in some spaces, and that’s okay. What is meant for me will find me. As long as I love myself, I’ll belong wherever I go.
Belonging is something that we all crave as humans. At the same time, we’re in a time that feels polarizing and disconnected. If we can find acceptance and belonging within us, we create space to receive that which is meant for us. There is magic in that.
Let the decade of magic begin.
