Three kinds of acceptance I’m focused on in the new year

We are about to go into a new year.  It’s a time of reflection and looking ahead with hope.  Many decide to make resolutions. Some will last and some will fade away within weeks.

I’m a firm believer that we will be presented with challenges to be faced.  If we turn away, they will keep showing up until we have no choice but to respond.  As a result, once I know something is necessary in my life, I start then.  Not on January 1^st, but as soon as I recognize a pattern unfolding.

I have come to accept repeat challenges as signals for growth and seek an intention that will address them.  This year was no different.  I was faced over and over with a common theme starting over the summer.  

As I reflected on what was going on in my life, and the lesson I was being presented with, my path forward became clearer.  I started engaging in a way that moved me toward a specific intention. 

While I’ve already started, the new year is symbolic.  A chance to reflect on what I’ve learned this year, and what I want to take into the entirety of next year.  The challenges from the summer, and early learnings of the fall, have become a committed intention for the year ahead.

The journey to acceptance

I have spent most of my life feeling out of step with those around me.  Whether it was my family, friends, or coworkers, it seemed as though my presence was conditional.  That I had to contort myself to fit or embrace myself and feel as though I was on the periphery.

I believe the universe provides what we need when we need it, not when we want it.  While it would have been nice to have found a way to be myself AND fit into various spaces, the journey has been filled with learning that I wouldn’t change.  All that came before this was a necessary gift to get to this point in my life.

It started with a friend I met in my last role.  The organization was a poor fit.  She watched me contort myself to fit in rigid boxes and encouraged me to reject those to find my own way.  

Moving to a new role and environment – and that deepening friendship – were key to helping me start building acceptance within myself.  I realized I needed to do that to find a sense of belonging anywhere I went.  And to accept that not all spaces are meant for me.

Shifting mindset

I started changing my words and mindset this year.  When I considered shrinking, contorting, or withdrawing, I started to practice leaning in instead.  Taking up space.  Using my voice.  Setting clear boundaries.

While my early efforts at acceptance have been bumpy and uncomfortable at times, they have also felt amazing.  I’ve decided 2023 is going to be my year of acceptance.  They will not just be words.  They will be how I live and show up in the world.

During the fall, I started considering what types of acceptance I most need and/or have the most difficulty with.  I came up with three focus areas, which will each present a different kind of struggle in the coming months.

• Accepting myself: All that I am – a perfectly flawed human – is a gift to any person, organization, or space I am a part of.  If it is not a fit, there is a mismatch that is not a reflection of my worthiness of belonging.
• Accepting others: Those around me are also perfectly flawed humans.  If there is not a fit, I can be empathetic and accepting of how they show up in the world, while still advocating for myself and having clear boundaries.
• Accepting what is: Not everything that I see as needing improvement must be changed, today, by me.  I can save my energy for those that matter and figure out how to work with what is to affect lasting change, rather than rail against it to increased resistance.

Accepting myself

I started having hearing trouble in the last year (the gifts kept giving).  The assessments revealed I have Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), which came hand-in-hand with a diagnosis of AuDHD (ADHD + Autism).

While the diagnosis doesn’t really change much at this late stage in my life, it has given me an amount of grace and new language for how I relate to myself.  It explains so much of my historical interpersonal challenges and feeling as though everyone else knew things I didn’t about “peopling.”  

I am privileged to have found work that fits my particular mix of innate abilities and (mostly) allow for the occasional misstep. That was always the challenge – many celebrated the work I could do, but didn’t want the package it came from.

I am fortunate to have strong-willed open-minded people that have insisted on developing friendships with me.  When I asked one whether he knew I was neurodiverse, he said “Well, your brain is certainly not typical, my friend.  And that is amazing.” 

I’ve spent so many years worrying about where I didn’t fit that I was missing the beauty in the spaces where I do fit.  This summer, I started meeting new people and I showed up as (mostly) my full self.  There were several who opted out early, as I was “too much.”  But others opened their arms wide and welcomed me fully.

I’m still working on this one, but now I have evidence that my full and authentic self is by design, not a defect.  When I don’t fit, that’s okay.  It’s reflective of the environment, not in my value.  This has been a big one and one I want to carry to the end of my days.

Accepting others

While I’ve been working on self-acceptance for months, I’ve been faced with a harsh reality at the same time.  If I want to be accepted, I also must be accepting.

How others treat me is not about me.  Their actions and mindset are about them, and I can choose to have empathy and compassion, even when it’s difficult for me to receive them.  This doesn’t mean I need to accept poor treatment.  Instead, I can advocate for myself and others when it’s appropriate.

Our closest relationships are often the hardest.  Those dearest to us can have the most impact when things go wrong.  For example, my father and I struggle at times in our relationship.  We are similar in a lot of ways, but very different in others.  

I can get frustrated, hurt, or angry when I don’t feel seen or accepted by someone I love and admire, whose acceptance would mean so much to me.  Or I can accept who he is and what he can offer in whatever way he shows up in the world.  Even when it’s hard.

This doesn’t mean I don’t try to communicate my needs.  Or voice my hurt if his words land in a way I don’t think he intends. Both of us need to feel safe showing up the best we can, and sharing how the relationship is affecting us if we want it to be healthy.

Acceptance assumes good intent.  Yet it also means communicating our needs and boundaries when the impact is a challenge to accept.  We should not have to contort ourselves to fit into a relationship, and they shouldn’t have to either.  Mutual acceptance is the ultimate goal.

Accepting what is

I naturally show up as someone who wants to make everything around me better.  When I see pain, suffering, frustration – my own or others’ – I want to make it better.  However, I can also accept that not all change is welcome or warranted. 

It’s not always my job to fix or help.  I can’t drag everyone to safety all the time.  First, it’s exhausting.  If I’m always helping everyone else, I drain my reserves and fail to show up as my best self.  It’s also not the best use of my finite resource – because some situations don’t need me.  This may be an opportunity for others to learn.

When I step in and fix, I’m precluding others from doing the same. Or learning whatever lessons that situation is meant to teach them.  If I’m always fighting to make something better and smooth it out, that perfectionist tendency also signals that nothing is ever good enough.  Is that what I want to signal as a leader?

I work in a corporate environment…there are shiny pennies everywhere.  Should those be my focus, or the silver dollars that I am uniquely poised to address?  Accepting what is means using discernment to determine when and how to use my gifts.

A new year is a new opportunity

While I get started on challenges as soon as I recognize them, the new year is a symbol.  It reminds all of us of new beginnings and a chance to start again.

I’m no different.  As I close out the year, I reflect on the lessons and opportunities.  Decide what I want to keep and let go of.  What kind of energy I want to carry forward.  Whether we have a specific resolution, January 1^st is a chance to begin anew.  To make commitments to ourselves for the year ahead that help us lean into the best versions of ourselves.

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year, filled with promise.  I’ll be here with you, doing my best to accept who I am, others, and what is.  If there’s anything I can do to help you on your journey, please don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know.