How my spice cabinet helped me reconsider the myth of authenticity

I have a tight circle of friends.  What it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.  They are all people that I could reach out to on a moment’s notice and they’d be there if I asked.

It’s small for a few reasons, but the main one is that it’s just hard for me to meet people.  I have one friend I didn’t meet at work.  She’s my oldest and dearest.  Everyone else has been a work acquaintance that eventually became a close friend.  Once I figured out the whole vulnerability thing.

In a recent conversation with my coach, she asked me what it would take to make more friends.  Assuming I had the time and inclination, it was authenticity.  I struggle to show up authentically in a way that can be received with someone outside of work.  (Let’s be honest…I struggle with the work relationships too at times)

At work, I (mostly) know the rules.  In social settings?  Is there really a playbook for that?

As we were talking, I had this sudden mental visual of my spice cabinet.  The parable of the spice cabinet was born.

The spice cabinet

Most of us have a spice cabinet.  It might not have a lot in it, or it might have every obscure spice known to humankind.

Either way, there’s stuff in there.  Some of it is meant for cooking.  Some for baking.  There are some items that may go well together in a given dish, and some that would be a hot mess.

And that’s the reality of all of us.

We all have a variety of “spice” in our lives.  There are things that have shaped us and made us who we are.  Characteristics that are part of us, whether we recognize and embrace them or not.

Consider everything about us we have to pull from.  Here is just a short list:

• Language and Culture
• Knowledge and Experiences
• Preferences
• Travels
• Hobbies
• Books/Movies/Music we enjoy

Now think of meeting a new person.  Depending on the environment, context, and person, we start pulling from parts of us to present a persona.  A particular mix of spices.

The right spice at the right time

What spice mix is the right one for this environment, context, and person?  It’s not like there’s a recipe to tell us what fits in this exact moment.

So we experiment.  History tells us what has worked in the past, so we may try to repeat the same mix in a situation that feels similar.

But new people, jobs, environments, and situations may mean that the mix isn’t quite right.  So we add different things.  Pull from various aspects of our personality, experiences, etc to see what fits.

Is that authentic?  All of those are parts of us, so yes.  At least partially.

The reality is that if we throw in everything we are in every interaction or environment, it would be completely overwhelming.  If we opened up our spice cabinet and threw everything into every dish, they’d taste terrible.

Being judicious in what we add, when we add it, and how much we add is the secret sauce.  It’s the thing that makes the difference between an interaction that feels like it went well, and one that felt forced or painful.

Then what is authentic?

I have one close girlfriend that I feel like I can open up my cabinet and let her see all the spices.  If I throw in a little too much of this or that, she just takes it all in.  She is delighted by all of it, regardless of the mix or amount.

I cannot express what a gift that is.  To a person, I have felt misunderstood or judged by those closest to me.  Family members and friends, even those who know me best, may struggle with seeing the one spice that’s always there flavoring the rest…love.

If the ones that have known me the longest misread my mix, what chance do new people have?

Well, the one close girlfriend is a relatively new friend.  She forced her way into my life.  Past the hesitancy and discomfort.  Encouraged me at every turn to open up that damn spice cabinet and add it all in.

It’s the one relationship where I feel like I can be my most authentic self.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do that everywhere we go?

The reality is, not every environment, relationship, or interaction is appropriate to throw in all the spices.  Trust and safety need to be present for us to bring all that we are with no limitation.   But even then, we need to be aware of our surroundings and context to know what and how much of ourselves to bring in any moment. 

Mixing it up

Lest we think that we can only bring the spices that “fit”, there’s a reason why diversity matters.  The same old recipe can get tired, predictable (even outdated) results.

The best cooking doesn’t come from a formula.  It may start with a recipe, but truly transformative outcomes come from the unexpected.  A new spice that delights.  Fusion of two seemingly unrelated flavors.

The same is true with people.  Even if there are norms in a given environment, adding in our unique spice could shake things up.  In a way that results in something better.  A new idea or approach that otherwise wouldn’t be possible.

Holding tight to our spices – holding them back in interactions or environments – denies the possibility of something new.  Opportunities to identify gaps and blind spots, create new twists on old ideas, or disruptive approaches to the same old same old.

Ensuring it’s safe and appropriate to add in our unique spice makes sense, especially if we’ve had crap luck trying in the past.  Not everyone will see all of our spices as a gift, but some will.  And when that magic happens, it’s a wonder to behold and experience.

Create more opportunity for authenticity

In an ideal world, we could all open up our spice cabinet and show the world all that we are.  Make all parts of us available to contribute to every dish being made.  

Maybe not everything we have, and everything we are, makes sense to contribute all the time.  But having those parts be visible, to be drawn on as appropriate, would make for a wonderful world.

If we can create a trusting and safe environment to open our doors, and encourage others to do the same, there is so much we can pull from one another.  

We can remember to pause, and consider what else might be in the cabinet influencing the spices being used.  Strong emotions, like fear and love, can flavor everything, even if they are at the back of the cabinet and not yet ready to be shared.

As we each open our doors a little wider, and add in a little more of ourselves in our environments and relationships, we can come closer to true authenticity.  Maybe not all of ourselves on in every moment, but more of who we are in the world.  And wouldn’t that be a wonderful kind of fusion.