This time last year, I was in the midst of one health challenge and just discovering another. As I was adjusting to spinal issues that sidelined my fitness and reprioritized nutrition, I got questionable results from a mammogram. I went into the holidays with the uncertainty of breast cancer – the same disease my mom was diagnosed with and conquered when I was my son’s age.
The end of the year was filled with uncertainty and I had ENOUGH. After years of challenging headwinds, I was all done with the universe and its lessons of grit and resilience. I figured I had plenty of that. I was ready for freaking joy already.
Well, the universe provides what we need, not what we want. Has there been joy? ABSOLUTELY! Has there continued to be challenging moments? Of course there has.
It is in BOTH that I find myself grateful for the last year. Even the hard stuff. Yes, adulting is nonsense. It sucks…1 out of 10, totally would not recommend. But I’ve also experienced a fantastic year of growth.
Here are three hard-fought lessons this year that came out of trying to find joy while also facing the challenges of life.
1. Joy and difficulty can coexist
I would love to say that I had some sort of glorious blissful year. I’d be lying if I did. It started with the cancer scare. I pulled my son out of school when the academic struggles got worse as a result of bullying. Unexpected work challenges. More health stuff. Did I mention my son started driving???
Yet through all those moments, there was beauty. At the time, some were hard to see. Looking back, I am warmed by the tenderness, support, love, and compassion I experienced. Both to and from others and – maybe more importantly – towards myself.
My son has flourished in his new school as his confidence increased and grades improved. The cancer scare brought me closer to one of my dear friends, who held my hand through one of the scariest times of my life. I learned how to receive support and allowed someone to take care of me for a change.
At work, I was getting overwhelmed and frustrated. I leaned into my vulnerability and voiced concerns, set boundaries, and advocated for what I needed. I still struggled, but with an openness that welcomed a new manager to be supportive and deepened the relationship.
Challenging the universe to a year of joy did not mean it would be challenge free. Instead, it has been accepting that joy and difficulty can coexist. We can find joy in the small moments and be grateful for the beauty we can experience when we go through difficulty.
2. Trying to escape difficulty makes challenges even harder
During most of 2021, one of my oldest friends was living with me and my son. Having another adult in the house, we’d often find ourselves having a glass of wine after a long day. It wasn’t until she moved out last fall that I realized it had become a daily habit. One I was continuing when it was just me.
With the cancer question looming, I decided to stop drinking in 2022. As the year bestowed its challenges, one of my coping methods was now off the table.
While I joke that my manager owes me a case of Cava at the end of this year, I didn’t miss it. Because after 1 or 2 glasses of wine, the challenges were still there. The wine helped me forget for a while but didn’t address the actual difficulty.
The wine had to be replaced with a method that would let out the bad stuff so it didn’t fester. I learned how to communicate better and earlier. To approach situations and people with curiosity and empathy, while advocating for what I thought was right or needed.
When I stopped trying to bury the struggle, it wasn’t building inside me looking for a way out. As the challenges built this year, relationships – and my health – remained intact. Otherwise, as the frustration built, it might have resulted in internalized stress and poorer health, or an explosive interaction that would be difficult to recover from.
Not only did the universe give me challenges this year, but it gave me the opportunity to develop better tools for addressing them. When we face our difficulties early and often, it makes our “hard” easier to face.
3. Knowing and loving ourselves is the greatest challenge and greatest joy
The thing I’m probably most grateful for this year is the chance to get to know myself better. I love my friend and was happy to help her, yet we were always busy. The wine was flowing. Conversations were endless.
It was a wonderful distraction and support during a difficult and tumultuous time. But it was in the stillness that I’ve had the opportunity to better understand and support myself. To receive all that the universe was sending my way – the good and the bad – and choose my response with intention instead of default patterns.
I went deep this year, facing past trauma, recognizing limiting beliefs, and really interrogating those default patterns to decide if they were serving me or holding me back. In taking the time to know myself better, I found more to love. No small feat in a lifetime spent in self-judgment and “shoulds.”
One of the most important steps this year was setting my own yardstick. I’ve been measuring myself against others’ for as long as I can remember. At home, school, work, in relationships…the list goes on. When we look at someone else’s life and try to measure ours against theirs, it’s easy to think we are falling short of some ideal.
We can each decide to be our own measurement. Find joy, pride, and awe in each inch of growth and realize each side-step or backtrack is positioning us for our next big jump.
Reflecting back and looking ahead
The universe gave me what I needed when I railed into the wind last year, demanding joy. It’s been a bumpy road, and sometimes I had to squint to see it, but the joy has been there all along.
In each day, in every moment, joy is there waiting to be claimed. Just the other day, I found out I was wrong about something. I could have been discouraged, but instead I found myself laughing aloud at my prior certainty and felt warmed because this gave me the chance to dig in and learn…something I love to do.
Because I am open to joy and challenge – and a realization I don’t have to be attached to the person I was and what I knew yesterday (my yardstick can grow and evolve with me) – I have space to lean into each moment.
The hard things have something to reveal or teach us. The small, quiet moments help us realize joy is within us to experience and pull from, as much as grit and resilience. This was the greatest lesson the universe could have given me, as pure joy on a smooth road may sound amazing, but is unlikely to prepare me for the inevitable twists and turns ahead.
Rather than demand joy in 2023, I’ll ask to receive the right mix of lessons as I evolve into the best version of myself. That’s a gift to be grateful for indeed (even if I still think adulting is overrated).
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What are you grateful for this year? What lessons will you be bringing into the year ahead? I’d love if you would share your thoughts in the comments and let me know if there are tools or insights that would help you on the next stage of your journey.
2 Responses
It’s so important to create your own measure of happiness and satisfaction with life. Sadly, we spend a lot of time as a species creating measuring sticks for others to abide by, but ultimately, as individuals, we can and should own that measure. At the same time, we can create measurement systems that always leave us with a deficit. We must be careful to give ourselves room to breathe.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you Andre. I couldn’t agree more. Setting a high bar seems like a great idea until we keep moving the yardstick and never allow ourselves the satisfaction of achievement. I look forward to setting high – yet achievable! – bars in partnership with you and our team. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.