Maybe it’s COVID. Maybe it’s just life. The waves keep coming and the undertow threatens to pull us under.
In Finding Nemo, there is a lot of diversity and tough conditions that Marlin and Dory face. Each time, Dory moves forward with her sing-song “just keep swimming” seemingly unaware of the dangers around her.
It’s difficult sometimes to stay positive and keep going when we feel like we’re drowning. “Just keep swimming” might as well be “just keep drowning” unless we do something to buoy ourselves.
In the fall, I hit a patch where the waves kept hitting. One health scare after another.
There were definite moments of panic and despair. I recall breaking down ugly crying in more than one doctor’s office. In those moments, I felt like I was being pulled under.
I allowed myself to feel the scary feelings. Fear. Helplessness. Overwhelm. Uncertainty. Some outright terror. And then I kept going.
I am very fortunate to have a wonderful support group of friends and family, a flexible work environment, and professional support from a CBT and coach. Most of them asked, at one point or another, how I remained positive at each twist and turn.
In each case, there were three things that helped me keep my head above water each time a wave threatened to send me under.
1. Know our gifts
There are some things I do well and enjoy, and others that are a huge struggle. I may do them, on a normal day or week, but they are not my gifts.
Knowing my gifts – what I do well and brings me joy or a sense of satisfaction – is important ahead of any struggle or challenge. These are the things that I can keep doing, and should keep doing if I can, in order to cope.
I also know my struggles. Cooking is a clear one. I’d probably eat ramen or a turkey sandwich each meal if it was up to me. Figuring out menus, shopping, prepping, and cooking can quickly feel overwhelming on a busy day or week. The struggles are likely where I’d need help when things get tough.
Our gifts are our magic. They give us a boost and can make things feel easy and fun, or help us cope and get through hard things. If something isn’t our gift, that’s okay too. It just means that it’s going to feel more like work and an area where we might want help.
When the struggle is real, the areas we do well will make the struggle feel lighter. Those we don’t will feel like we are dragging weights.
Knowing our gifts and struggles ahead of challenges can help us when the challenges hit.
When I found out I had issues with my spine and could no longer work out, it sent me for a loop. After my initial reaction, I was able to sit down and consider what needed to stay – writing (gift) and what I needed help with (food). I started working with a dietician for guidance on eating habits for a less active lifestyle.
2. Clarify priorities before panic sets in
In addition to knowing our gifts, we need to know what’s important to us. Before we are drowning.
Our top work and life priorities are our true north. What areas do we hold firm on? What are less critical? That if we stopped doing them or we were late, it would be NBD?
I regularly use the 4 D’s to determine how to allocate my time. What will I Do (important and a gift), Delegate (important and a struggle), Defer (not important and a gift), and Delete (not important and a struggle)?
This approach allows me to know up front what’s important to me and where I’ll focus my time, vs getting help. As challenges come up, I consider what needs to move between the buckets.
When I found out about my spinal issues, it reshuffled my buckets in an instant. There were things I could no longer Do but were still important and had to Delegate. Less important things moved to Defer or Delete.
I was allowed to walk, but couldn’t walk my dogs because they are too big. I could have deleted their daily walk, but that would be unfair to them AND risk my house getting destroyed if they didn’t get their energy out.
Between my son and a dog walker, I was able to Delegate their daily walks. I had to Delete my workouts, Do daily walks and PT exercises, and Defer visits to the office.
Having a structured approach to understanding priorities and adjusting how we accomplish them feels empowering. It gives us some semblance of control in a situation that otherwise might feel overwhelming.
3. Have grace with ourselves and others
The waves are hitting all of us. They might hit at different times and in different ways, but we are each struggling with our own undertow.
The most important thing any of us can do is have grace with ourselves and with others.
The struggle is real. Whatever challenge we are facing IS HARD. We are absolutely allowed to feel that difficulty. We can also have grace with ourselves, and embrace imperfection. We can let go of the things that are not a priority right now, along with any ideas of perfection or failure that want to pull us down.
Those ugly cries in the doctor’s office? I didn’t like how that felt, but I sat with it. Allowed myself to feel the emotions and cry it all out. Because that’s what I needed. Instead of feeling shame for such a public display, I was proud of myself for giving my emotions space. I didn’t bottle them up to explode later or internalize for further disruption.
In addition to having grace with ourselves, we need to have grace with others. Sometimes we need help to work through our struggles. When someone else lends a hand or an ear, let them. If they can’t right now, because they are drowning too, let’s not judge too harshly.
Buoy ourselves and others
Many of us are feeling underwater at the moment. Let’s not pile on ourselves, or others, with unreasonable expectations.
We can buoy each other with the reminder that perfection is a myth, not everything is important right now, and what matters most is to breathe and get through the day.
I’m a recovering perfectionist, so it takes work and reminders to stop any feelings of guilt for what I defer, delegate, and delete. I can choose to be proud of myself for the things I do and for taking care of myself in times of struggle.
During a new challenge, maybe we only do our critical things well. Other things slow down or stop altogether, and we put fewer things on our to do list. Let’s normalize being less busy with what matters most and embrace grace to lift us and help us ride the waves.
