We are almost two years into the new lifestyle Covid has forged. We have figured out new coping mechanisms. Normalized the stress associated with changing requirements for work, school, shopping, and more.
Maybe we’ve even gone through reentry to work and some variation of what now passes as normal. Assuming we are working and are not part of the great resignation.
Early on, I stopped telling people I was “fine” when they asked how I was doing. I took the time to consider, and answered truthfully. In my new job, the first time I did that one of my team members responded “Oh, we’re sharing how we’re really doing.”
I try to create safe spaces for those around me to share how they really are. And for me to do the same. In the last few months, however, I’ve found that I need a system to better communicate what’s going on. Otherwise, as a leader, my team might get concerned with anything other than “fine.” Even though all of us know that “fine” is highly unlikely.
The stool of life
For years, I’ve thought of the various aspects of my life as legs on a stool: Family, Health, and Work. If one of them goes sideways, the others can pick up the slack. If I start getting down to 2 legs, things are feeling a bit precarious. One leg, and I’m a wobbly mess.
I came up with this mental analogy to ensure I didn’t send too many things spinning at once. If I was changing a job, for example, it might not be the best time to buy a house (I learned this the hard way).
Of course, this past summer, I broke that rule. I started a new job at the same time my son started High School. Did I mention I found out some concerning health news right around then?
Fortunately, the new job included a wonderful culture and supportive people. They have a fantastic onboarding program and created space for me to ramp up. I tried to honor that, and the gift the universe and organization were offering. My norm is to jump in head-first, but I paced myself (mostly) to allow time for that leg to stabilize.
Unfortunately, the early months of High School were not as accommodating. School work, studying, friends, and girls. Oh my.
When my team members asked how I was doing, I had to figure out how to share that some areas – like work – were solid. At the same time, if I seemed a little off, it was likely due to school-stuff with the kiddo.
That’s where the star system came in.
5 stars for 5 areas of life focus
I decided to correlate the 3 legs to stars to score the story I am currently living. Yet there’s more to life than just family, health, and work. Those are my core priorities, certainly, but there are other influences and/or contributors that bring excitement or disruption in our life stories.
Considering what can most disrupt the “core 3,” it would be the safety items from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If we don’t have access to food, shelter, clothing, etc, everything else tends to take a back seat.
In this model, it’s called the foundation because everything else shakes if this one is rocky. Everyone’s definition may be different, but to me this is best measured by financial and housing security.
Getting to 4 stars was close, but there was still something missing. Personally, it was the creative outlet. If I focus on financial security, my son, health, and work…that doesn’t leave much room for the things that make me ME. I’m more than a paycheck, a mother, a vessel, and what I do for a living.
It’s that “extra” that makes us unique. It’s different for everyone, but it’s the spice of life. In my case, it’s my writing, coaching, and connection with others. It’s what gives me energy and helps me cope when the other parts of my life go sideways.
How many stars is your story?
I’m currently sitting squarely at 3.5 stars. Home/finances are solid (1 star). The new job is going well (1 star). My health is a bit of a struggle, but I am focused on movement and doing what the doctors are telling me (1/2 star). There are some family challenges that I’m struggling through (0 stars). Fortunately, I am still coaching and feeling inspired to write (1 start).
I am doing okay. Things feel solid at 3.5 stars. Manageable because my foundation is solid, I have support for my key priorities, and “the spice” helps me cope.
At any given time, we’re going to be short of 5 stars. While we’d love to be living our best lives and nailing it on all fronts, that’s just not realistic. If we are regularly at 5 stars, we likely aren’t growing and changing. Since change is one of the only constants in life, that means we can expect there to be something shy of a full star in one or more areas at a time.
The goal is to avoid having all our legs in motion at the same time. If possible, we want to intervene well before we end up at 0 stars. Otherwise, it means we’re operating at a deficit on all fronts: home, family, work, and our health, with no spice to help us cope.
Fortunately, we usually have signs things are headed in the wrong direction, even if we aren’t initiating the changes ourselves.
Stars as a way to focus our efforts
During a recent brunch with a former co-worker, she shared that her current work environment is draining. It is affecting her health and energy levels. She wants to leave, but is worried about the financial impact of making a change.
Fortunately, she has support from her husband, who reassured her that the financial situation is solid. We talked about what she could do to focus on her health and other interests (“the spice”), because when everything else goes sideways, those are usually what we have the most ability to control.
In the weeks ahead, I’m hopeful that a focus on her other interests and her health will bring up her energy levels. Then she can focus on getting into a new work environment, and the stress such a change will bring. Because even if we’re moving from a challenging environment to somewhere positive, it’s still change.
Our stars will fluctuate, and should. There’s no shame in that. There are times when work will be demanding and require more energy and focus than we think we have to give. Other times, it will be family, health, or financial stress.
Monitoring the five areas of our lives allows us to keep a pulse on how we’re doing and adjust accordingly. If we find ourselves dropping in more than one area, we can do our best to refocus and shore them up.
I don’t expect my life to be 5 stars. Instead, I’ll give myself grace for the fluctuations of life, do my best to put attention to where it’s needed, and be mindful of what changes I initiate. Those 3.5 stars will always be well-earned.
