When we find ourselves stuck, how to find the third option

During my unexpected summer sabbatical, I decided to pursue additional coach training towards my ICF certification.  I ended up selecting International Coach Academy (ICA) and their Workplace Coach program.  

As part of the program, I work with a peer coach, coach others, and attend classes and labs.  My favorite part, by far, has been the labs with Jonathan on Saturday mornings.

In each lab, we have a volunteer offer to bring a challenge and be the “client”.  The rest of the group suggests possible questions, and discuss which ones would be powerful, or help create insight for the client.

What I love most about these labs, and classes in general, is how much insight is possible when we open ourselves to learning.  Regardless of whether I’m the client or the coach, I always learn something.

Through most of the program, I realized I had a bad case of “either/or” thinking.  I’d bring challenges to the table and frequently find myself feeling stuck between two alternatives.

A few classes, and powerful questions later, had me considering a third option.

The fallacy of either/or thinking

There are endless way to get from point A to point B.  It doesn’t matter where we start from, or where we’re headed…there’s never just one way to arrive at our destination.

For example, when we drive and come to an intersection, we may assume our only options are left and right. The reality is, we still have options.  We can go back the way we came, go off road, or get out of the car and walk.

Many of the obstacles, rules, or conflicts we encounter along our journey push us to thinking we have few options.  That we have to give up X to get Y.  We can’t do Z because of ABC.

We get stuck when we allow ourselves to think in terms of scarcity.  That we have few choices.  Restrictions and limitations that keep us from making the decision we want.  While they may be real, it might be time to get out of the car and walk around them.

If we find ourselves stuck and aren’t sure how to find a third option, what can we do?

Look for another perspective

Much of our problem solving we do in our heads.  No one is more familiar with us than we are.  At the same time, we are biased.  Our thoughts, opinions, and decisions are all influenced by our particular mix of nature and nurture.  Experiences, knowledge, and perspective.

Sometimes, we need another perspective at the table than just our own.  Putting voice to our challenges and options, we create room for discussion and evaluation.  

The other person may be a sounding board, helping us see our own perspectives differently.  Or they may offer new ideas altogether.  They can challenge us.  That assumption we are making.  The logical leap or FEAR (false evidence appearing real) that maybe isn’t so logical.

Going through the coaching program, I’ve had the opportunity to voice some of my either/or thinking.  It’s helped me realize that sometimes that new voice may be a rarely used one of our own.

My peer coach, JJ, has been amazing with her perspective.  She’s challenged me to ask what other “voices” I have available to me.  If I tend to skew towards planning and overthinking, she asks me what my inner dreamer would say.

Whether it is one of our own, or that of a trusted friend or colleague, a fresh perspective can help us find that elusive third option.

Find the “and”

My favorite way to become unstuck is to find the and.  Find a way for both X and Y to be true, or both achievable.

One of my coaching peers asked me what I would do if I found myself on a cliff.  I wanted to get to the water below, so which way would I go?  Take the risky path, jumping in and getting to the water quickly?  Or, take the slow, safe path, and lose out on time I could spend in the water?

In my case, I was struggling with launching my coaching practice a few years earlier than plan.  I had a wonderful opportunity to jump in (dreamer).  Yet there were many drawbacks, primarily focused on financial security for my son.  The safer path would be to continue working as I had been, and push my dream off a few more years (thinker/planner). 

They were the equivalent of jumping off a cliff, or taking the safe, slow path to the bottom.  My peer asked if there was another way down I could think of.  What could I do to accelerate the journey to the bottom, but still increase safety?  What option would combine the benefits of both, and offset the challenges?

He challenged me to find the and.

The calm in acceptance

Sometimes, we might find ourselves stuck between two ugly choices.  Neither one of them has a positive outcome and we can’t decide which path to take.

For years, I found myself in such a pickle.  I was unhappy where I was, but the alternative was untenable.  Miserable if I stayed, and unable to live with the impact of leaving.

My inaction and inability to make a decision was frustrating.  I beat myself up regularly over it, which made a bad situation worse.  It felt like daily torture.

Until I decided to accept.  Status quo might have been painful and challenging, but I could choose to accept it.  I could accept that I was more willing to endure the current bad than the ramifications of the alternative.

Acceptance became my choice.  I could prepare for the eventual day I’d make a change, but I could accept that I was making the best decision for myself in the moment and give myself grace. The peace that came with acceptance was my third option.

We always have a choice, even if it’s to accept.  To release judgement.  Or give grace.

From scarcity to abundance

Each time I find myself presenting my options as “either/or” to myself, or someone else, I stop and reflect.  Are there really only two options?  What is a third choice?  If I can’t figure it out myself, I can call on another inner voice or someone from my circle to help me talk it out.

Once we are aware of a thing, it becomes difficult to unknow it.  Once we name it, we can change it.

If we find ourselves focused on the scarcity of our options, we can choose to reframe to abundance.  To reimagine what’s possible, to challenge our perceived limitations, or consider how to remove an obstacle.

Are you facing a difficult choice?  What third option might be available?  What other techniques have you used to find that option?  Please consider sharing your thoughts in the comments to help others as they navigate their journey.