I decided this year not to watch the Olympics. Most of us grew up watching what is considered the pinnacle of sports and athleticism. For a while, I even worked for a corporate sponsor and had all sorts of Olympic swag.
This year, I’m out.
We are in a global pandemic. The risks seem to outweigh the rewards. I’m certainly happy for those that are able to compete and achieve the dream of an Olympic medal, but at what cost?
While I refuse to watch the events, it’s hard not to see various news popping up all over social media. I woke Tuesday morning to the news that Simone Biles had withdrawn from the gymnastics team competition. The all-around Wednesday.
While it wasn’t clear at first, she’s since shared that she’d protecting her mental health. This is following Naomi Osaka’s withdrawal from Wimbledon, and then a surprise upset during the games.
If there’s one thing that comes of this Olympics, and the pandemic in general, I hope it’s awareness of the importance of mental health. That the accolades, money, and visibility that come with performing at the top levels (of sports or industry) are not worth sacrificing our mental health.
And sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves is walk away.
Ever the over-achiever
Growing up, the message was clear…do better. There was always a higher grade, a harder class, or more that could be done.
Nothing was ever good enough.
When I lost a full scholarship – going from a 4.0 to a 1.67 in the face of some health challenges – I was told I could never make things right. In an effort to disprove that notion, I dove into becoming an over-achiever.
I was constantly trying to do more. Degrees and certifications. Harder jobs. There was no celebration of a win. Just the next thing to accomplish so I wouldn’t get complacent. Even thoughts of rest would prompt guilt. New goals were the only antidote.
If nothing is ever good enough, when do we get to rest? Without rest, can we ever really perform at our best?
When is enough enough?
Over the last few years, I found myself struggling. I was part of a team with challenging dynamics that were taking a toll. There were toxic behaviors that appeared tolerated and a general lack of support.
To help me get through, I’d call my dad with some regularity. He was my sounding board, allowing me to vent out frustrations so I didn’t bring them home to my son.
A few times, I told him I wanted to quit. That it was getting to be too much and the stress of the interpersonal challenges was taking a toll on me.
“You can’t quit. You’re a mom and have responsibilities.” The message was to suck it up, so I did my best to endure.
Eventually, the emotional toll manifested in physical ones. The scariest were heart arrhythmias. Once there was clear risk to my life, I found support in putting my health first.
Enough was finally enough. But why did it take so long? If we are physically injured, the need for healing is clear. Why wouldn’t mental and emotional impacts be the same?
Advocate for the support we need
Suddenly, I had support for putting my health first, but only because it was my physical health.
There were still other concerns that seemed a higher priority. When my father worried about my financial situation, I had to tell him “I don’t need you to focus on money. I need you to show up as the dad that cares about my physical, mental, and emotional health.”
It’s ironic because he’s the best guy to do that. He suffered from burnout early in his second career as a consultant. When he sensed a second burnout was imminent, he finally walked away.
He had pushed himself to perform, focusing on financial needs as he prepared for retirement. Eventually, he put that aside because his mental health was more important.
What I needed was the dad that knew that. Yet he’s not the one I got. I got the over-achieving, financially-focused dude. At least until I told that guy to have a seat so the one I needed could show up.
It’s our responsibility to let our support system know what we need. It may be easy to be disappointed, frustrated, or feel unheard. Instead, if something isn’t working, we have an obligation to tell them.
If we are that support for others, keeping an eye and ear out for mental health is critical. Seeing Simone Biles’ coach and team be immediately supportive of her decision to walk away demonstrated to all of us what that can look like.
The next thing
Knowing that I could walk away helped reduce some of the health issues I was experiencing. Later, when I lost my job, they resolved completely. Exiting the environment was the best thing I could have done for my health.
As I considered what I wanted to do next, I had a different kind of conversation with my circle. I started looking at what I wanted my life to look like. How could I balance the drive to achieve, with a focus on good health?
I learned my lesson about self-advocacy, and setting expectations with my support network. There were different conversations about what was important to me in the next stage of my life and career. What I wanted in a next company or role.
It guided me through discussions and interviews. It’s become my north star, so I remember to prioritize rest and do my best not to overcommit myself.
It’s not easy to be a recovering over-achiever. In a world that prizes performance, how do we intentionally rest, or do less, without guilt and shame?
Hopefully, we can all learn from these high profile exits.
Ownership and advocacy reign
Looking back on the last few years, I own my part in the challenging team dynamics.
I had opportunities…Did I speak up early and loud enough? Did I challenge the behaviors and those signals I thought I was receiving? I have a responsibility to advocate for myself the best I am able.
Fortunately, the decisions I made didn’t kill me. My health is solid, and (hopefully) I’ve learned my lesson. Internalizing stress is a quick path to bad outcomes all the way around.
Going into my next role, I can only control myself. My actions, behaviors, and reactions. At the same time, I can take responsibility for creating awareness if there’s something that is problematic.
Naomi Osaka and Simon Biles both advocated for themselves. Their willingness to walk away, rather than further jeopardize their well-being? They each took responsibility for the outcome that was best for them.
Each time one of us advocates for ourselves, we are advocating for others. If we are in a place to be able to take the risk, particularly financially, we are creating space for others who may not.
I sincerely hope we are normalizing conversations about the importance of mental health. That performance is not more important than our lives. Because mental health injuries are as real as physical ones. Even if they are harder to see.
Finding support
The most important part of the visibility being created around mental health is knowing we aren’t alone. Simone made a comment that it was hard fighting a battle with your own mind. Yes, and that battle can feel isolating. Yet we are never the only ones struggling.
Hearing we have company with some of the top performers in the world normalizes mental health struggles. It can happen to any of us.
If you find yourself struggling with mental and emotional health challenges, at work or at home, please connect with your support network. If you don’t have one, or aren’t sure they can help, there are resources available.
Many organizations offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) that include access to counseling. For more urgent support, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “home” to 741741 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
