CW: death and grief
Over the last few months, my friends and co-workers have been asking each other a lot more how we’re feeling. My answer has been “I’m not sure” every single time.
There have been feelings that I think I “should” have. I step back and look at what’s going on at home, work, and the world in general and think “I should be a lot more stressed than this. My sleep should be disrupted. I’m not sure what’s going on.”
Maybe the best way to describe how I felt was detached. As I discussed this state of non-feeling with others, there were a lot of head nods and agreement. That we felt okay, fine, or good – relative to what’s going in around us – but weren’t sure that’s what we were supposed to be feeling.
The misalignment made real
While world, work, and home stress caused me to worry that my feelings were not aligned with what I was experiencing, it became a real concern a few weeks ago.
It is likely that anyone who reads this has been touched by COVID in some way. Given current rates, we are likely to have experienced loss directly, or are supporting someone we care about who has.
I’ve supported friends and co-workers through grief. In some cases, we’ve talked about the strangeness of loss in this time. But it had not touched me directly. Until now.
I found out about my uncle’s illness on Facebook. Over the course of a few days, I read about his treatment, and the ups and downs of the illness. Until he passed, and then I read about that too.
I didn’t feel anything. I could say it’s because we aren’t close. There was no contact with that part of the family for years, except I’ve stayed in touch with my cousin. She lost her father, and I could relate to how devastating that would be for me. But I couldn’t feel anything.
I felt removed on a level that wasn’t sitting well. My entire family was communicating online and via text and no one was talking. I was put off more by that than the loss itself.
I kept wondering, what in the heck is wrong with me?
Conserving our energy
I’ve been doing a lot of studying over the last year on brain science to better understand how to support myself, my family, and my team during COVID. A good friend of mine even has a PhD in it. We were talking about feelings not aligning with experiences, and he said it made total sense.
We are all spent.
There is a finite amount of stress hormone in the body. This far into a global pandemic, we have depleted our supply. Our emergency stores are gone. We just don’t have it in us to react the same to events as we have in the past.
So we conserve our energy. We are selective in where we put it.
Feelings are not just in our minds. We experience them in our bodies’ systems as well. Strong emotions can be felt, such as goose bumps with excitement or headaches from stress.
As our bodies conserve energy, and we have depleted hormones that trigger our bodies’ natural responses, we can feel off. We may feel like we’re not feeling.
We may still be experiencing emotions and feelings, but maybe not to the same depth or degree. Or maybe we aren’t demonstrating them the same way. We may be able to identify a feeling in our mind, but right now we’re not feeling it in our bodies.
It may seem as though we feel nothing. Instead, we are conserving energy and our feelings are not manifesting the same way. It’s normal, even if it doesn’t seem like it should be.
Feeling off is feeling normal
Our family is communicating and connecting in our grief the best way we know how in this unusual time. It doesn’t look like what it would have a year ago, but that doesn’t make it wrong. It’s different, but it’s necessary.
There is no place for judgment right now. There is only room for grace. Grace with ourselves as we navigate the potential disconnect between our thoughts and physical manifestation of feelings. As we process experiences that none of us should have to.
We will get through this, because we are designed to. Our minds and bodies are doing what they have to in response to prolonged stress and threat. They are protecting us the best they know how, and they have a lot of experience when we think about the longevity and evolution of our species.
I’m not worried about getting to the other side. What worries me most is whether the current stress response will become the new normal. Is this where we are now? Is this how we will operate as a family? As a collective?
While it is necessary, and normal, for our bodies to be out of sync right now, our feelings do need to be felt and processed long term. Today, our bodies my not “feel” the same way, but eventually we will get back to that place.
The future of feeling
Recently, I had a conversation and felt myself getting riled up. I was angry, frustrated, passionate, and scared. There were even headaches and disrupted sleep.
It was miserable and yet amazing. There was a part of me that thought “Thank goodness.”
The emotions were exhausting, but they were appropriate for the situation. For the first time in a long while, my emotions aligned with the situation and how I expected I should feel. That gave me hope for the future. For all of us.
We’re not broken. We are in reserve.
This time of disconnect is temporary. We can and will come back from it. Even if it takes intention to rebuild norms in our homes, offices, and relationships.
In the meantime, our best course of action is to have grace with ourselves and those around us. To know that we are all showing up the best way we can.
For anyone whose thoughts and feelings do not align, please know you are not alone. While science and reason can explain what is happening, it can still be difficult to experience. If you are struggling and would like to talk with someone, counselors are available at lifeline chat online or via phone.
