The myth that we have control over what happens to us is being put to the test in 2020 in a big way.  We never did, but there’s reassurance in the notion that we get up every day and take on the world.  Otherwise, why get up?

There have been times during the pandemic where maybe it’s difficult to find a why.  Faced with the reality that we cannot control the world around us, we can become immobilized.  

While we cannot control what happens to us or around us, we can always control one thing.  Ourselves.  The actions and reactions we have to what happens around us.

But what if it feels like our actions and reactions aren’t having an impact or making a difference?  What if our options all seem like they’ll end poorly?  Then it can feel just as immobilizing as having no control.

Choices with unfortunate consequences

Everyone has likely experienced a situation where any choice results in something negative.  Starting something new often means letting go of something, which can have impacts we may want to avoid.

Divorce may result in happier individuals, but not without the messiness and pain of letting go.  When children are involved, there are even more feelings to consider.

Leaving an unhappy job or role may result in a new job and experiences, but not without the stress of the search and unknowns about somewhere new.  In today’s uncertain economic environment, it can be even more stressful.

There are endless examples of difficult choices, each having their own risks.  Those can include financial or emotional, personal or professional.

As humans, we tend to think in binaries like good and bad, option 1 or option 2.  There’s always a third option, though it might not always be obvious.

Acceptance.

The third option

There have been a number of times in my life and career where I felt immobilized.  

Living in an unhappy marriage with a child involved tops the list of shitty choices.  Stay and provide a “whole family” for my son, or leave…creating two healthier households?  Seems like an easy choice now that it’s done, but it took me years to get there.  That’s a story for another day.

The career examples are many, and the most recent involves my current role.

Two months into the job I had a very negative experience.  My first reaction was that I had to leave.

It was a bad time to make that choice because I had just been relocated.  If I left, I’d have to pay back the relocation costs.  Was my upset worth it?  I decided it was better to stay for a year, pay back the relocation costs, and see if things improved.

Long story short, they have.  However, along the way, I was tested many times.  One thing I had to focus on was my mindset.

There were times when I was miserably unhappy with something that happened.  I would think, I can’t leave but I’m unhappy staying.  What can I do when faced with two crappy choices?

Mindset matters.  I can never express that enough.  If I decided to stay in misery, that would affect my team and my son.  It wasn’t an option.  But I didn’t want to live in denial and just tell myself I was happy when I wasn’t.

What alternative did I have?  Acceptance.

Acceptance is a powerful tool

At each point where I struggled, I did two things.  One was to accept I was where I was supposed to be in that moment.  Then I asked myself what I was learning.  

As a change leader, the reality is that I find myself in all sorts of teams, organizations, and dynamics.  I won’t always be able to control what goes on around me.  I can always control myself.  If I’m in a sub-optimal situation, and feel like I can’t turn it around right now…what are my choices?

I can accept that this isn’t the time for a change.  Either for my career or the situation.  I can sit with it, which isn’t like me, but I can do it.  However, as someone prone to action, I ask myself what action I can take to feel productive in this moment.  

I can always find the learning.  

Learning means asking questions.  How did I get here?  What would I do differently next time?  How should my models and frameworks adjust based on this new information? What can I be investing in myself or my team to prepare for when the time comes to act?

There is ALWAYS something we can do, even if it’s accept.  Even if it’s prepare for a different day for the time to act.

Action in partnership with acceptance

It’s one thing to simply accept where we are.  However, “luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”  If today isn’t the day to act, we can prepare for when it is.

If we accept that we are where we are for the moment, even if it’s not optimal, we can begin to move ourselves towards that optimal state.  Examples of actions we can take are:

• Know our goals and aspirations
• Create a vision board
• Talk to our circle about our goals
• Build and invest in our circle
• Learn something new, or from the situation
• Volunteer
• Take a class
• Put aside money for our future self/actions

Acceptance partnered with action has worked for me personally and professionally, as well as for many in my circle or whom I’ve mentored.  I also recognize, however, that there are times where we may need assistance to act because our choices, and even acceptance, put us at risk.

While there have been times in my life and career where I have felt unsafe, I had support to navigate it.  Fortunately, it was never life threatening.  

No one should feel physically or psychologically unsafe, but it may be difficult to leave such situations on our own.  At work, that may mean involving employee relations.  In the home environment, I’d encourage contacting the Domestic Violence Hotline for help at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

Small steps towards action

Any time we feel immobilized – from overwhelm, too many choices, or negative ones – small steps matter. 

Taking the first step is the hardest part.  It means mustering the energy to take some sort of small action.  Yet it creates momentum for the next step and the next. 

Maybe it’s getting up for a walk around the block.  Talking with a trusted friend, or journalizing out pros and cons.  Dusting off our resume or scheduling a virtual chat with a mentor.  Depending on our intention, we can select something small that begins to prepare us for the direction we want to go.

It doesn’t matter what the first step is, just that we make it.  Eventually, those small steps will add up to great distance, and readiness for opportunity when it arrives.