Years ago, I was working with my executive coach when she asked me “Where are all the women?”
We had been discussing leaders in the organization, my mentors, and those I was mentoring. She reflected back to me the stories I had told her, the players that were helpful and those who weren’t. They were almost exclusively men.
It forced me to take stock. To reflect on my network, inner circle, influencers, leaders…and I was surrounded by men.
If I was a man, maybe a coach wouldn’t blink (though I’d like to think any coach worth their salt would notice a complete absence of women), but I AM a woman. Yet there were no women in my stories or my professional network. With rare exception, there were few women in my life.
Male dominance is often unnoticed
When I stopped to think about the lack of women around me, it made sense. Even now, I have only worked for women for 18 months out of a decades-long career.
While I’ve worked for a handful of companies, I’ve been assigned to dozens and dozens of roles or projects. The percentage of women in my leadership chain of command, or that of my customers, has been quite small.
I am still frequently the only woman at the table. The most senior leaders in all of my companies to that point were almost all men. While the company had a lot of women, and I certainly had women in my teams or my peer groups…influencers had always been men.
And somehow, this did not seem unusual. At least until the day my coach asked me about it.
We address what we notice
I realized I couldn’t name one woman in my professional circle. That bothered me. A lot.
We can’t unsee something once it’s seen. We can’t unknow it. The key question once we see and know is: what will we do about it?
My coach provided an assignment. She asked me to list all the women I knew. Women I had worked with or had interactions with that I respected.
It took a while. First there was one name. Then another.
I was excited to be able to name five women. I realized I knew more than I gave myself credit for. And had been influenced more than I gave THEM credit for.
They were not showing up in my stories. I did not approach them for insights. They were on the periphery, and I was keeping them there. At least until I was given the second assignment.
It was time to broaden my circle.
The connections we might not know we need
I remember when I reached out to my now friend, Christine. I had met her years earlier when she was the assistant to my manager.
Long ago, I helped her and her young son prepare to move to California and thought nothing of it. We stayed loosely in touch, but had no real interaction to speak of.
I reached out and just started engaging in conversation. Asked how she was doing and her son. What was going on with the job.
Over time, I opened up more. I had embraced vulnerability as a leadership tenant while working with my coach, and applied it to interactions whenever I could.
I remember one day she told me “I’ve been waiting for this.” I wondered what she meant. She said that she was always there, and had hoped to get to know me, but that I was always a bit closed off. She was excited to have the opportunity to build a relationship with me, and that I had finally let her in.
Later, when I was going through rough spots as a single mom, she was right there. She’s no nonsense and gives it to me straight, even when I’m not sure I’m ready for it. But I am, because I know how much she cares and that she wants the best for me and my son.
She is one story in what is a growing list of women. Women that each have their own gifts to offer, who I am honored to have in my circle and I hope feel the same in return.
How many women may be waiting on the sidelines, hoping for an invitation?
Turns out, it could be quite a few. A common theme I’ve found with women is that we need to cultivate those relationships. Welcome and invite them, creating space for openness and reciprocity.
The gift of diversity
Once we open those doors, women will walk through them. I spent years expanding my circle and it grows regularly through connection. By a willingness to give and receive.
Each member of my circle has gifts that are uniquely their own. They may have something in common, as I tend to gravitate towards people that speak hard truths with the occasional smile. Yet there is still a lens, story, perspective, or experience that is their own.
Men are still around. I find they tend to be more direct in their engagement. They ask for and schedule time. They’ll let me know when they need help.
I still engage them in return, primarily professionally. But when I got divorced and became a full-time single mom, trying to balance this new world and work? The women in my circle became my lifeline.
And that’s the true gift of diversity in our circle. The depth and breadth of experience and perspective they can offer, and what we can influence in return.
It is rare that any one person could help us through every stage of life, or every professional challenge that comes along. By introducing diversity into my circle, it prepared me for the changing nature of my life and career. It has also opened my eyes to different perspectives and possibilities.
Where are the women?
Whether you identify as male, female, or non-binary, do you find that you have women in your circle? Particularly your professional network?
If businesses with more women leaders and board members are more successful, why wouldn’t that hold true of individuals as well?
Consider yourself the CEO of your life and take a look at who is part of your team and your board. Are you practicing diversity? Do you have a variety of perspectives and experiences represented?
If the answer is no, it might be time to look around at the women on your periphery. To those you may have the opportunity to engage more and get to know better. Sometimes, you don’t realize something has been missing until it isn’t any longer. You may be surprised by who’s waiting for an invitation or an open door.
As my own CEO, I now have an amazing team and board of directors, heavily weighted with strong women. It filled something I didn’t know was missing, and has made all the difference in my work, and my life.
