We are about eight weeks into this alternate reality, at least here in the States. There is talk of reopening in some places, and not in others. Protesting. Still a lot of misinformation and unknowns, or so it seems.
Each of us has to do our best to navigate. Whether we are solely responsible for ourselves, taking care of children or aging parents…each day has new information and potentially new challenges.
Adjusting doesn’t mean not feeling
Our bodies and minds crave homeostasis. We cannot operate in flight or flight mode endlessly. We adjust the best way we know how. Maybe push down how we’re feeling to get through the day. And see those feelings come out in odd ways at inopportune times.
As a mother and a leader, I’m trying to take care of myself, take care of my son, and look out for my team. I thought I was processing things well. Knew I was having my moments, but honoring them and moving on.
Until I cried in a meeting.
For those that don’t know me, I come from a military background. My father raised me to be a little Marine. I later worked for the Marine Corps and all my friends, coworkers, and family were all part of that extended universe.
And there was no crying.
No matter how difficult the situation, how scary, threatening, or disappointing, there were no tears. If you were going to cry, you waited until you were alone, if even then.
I’ve spent years unlearning a lot of the less beneficial teachings of that upbringing. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable and transparent with others. Felt feelings and owned them. I’ve even allowed my team members to see my emotion, because it’s part of the human condition and we are all human.
But there was always a line. And I crossed it. That’s when I knew something was really wrong.
Emotions are not something to fear or avoid
In that moment, I was really appreciating that I wasn’t on video and the mute button was handy. But what if it wasn’t? Would that have been so bad?
One of my peers could sense something was wrong and we talked later that day. I walked through what was going on in my head, how I felt, and why I was upset to the point of sobbing. Or at least what I thought was the reason.
He said something that both helped and got me thinking. He said “Corona feelings are real. Welcome to the club.”
I knew we were all going through challenges and unknowns. That everyone was figuring those out and managing the best way we knew how.
But we’ve all been talking in code. Maybe we’ve talked about “struggling” with homeschooling, or working remote with others in the house, or solitude if we live alone. We have referenced having a bad day, but being better now.
Have we talked about those moments of just grief and despair and overwhelm? Of standing in the shower so we can just cry and the kids can’t see? Of not joining video on a meeting because we have tear stains on our cheeks? Or it sneaking up on us during a bike ride? Yeah, that happened too.
I hope every person that has or will struggle at any given moment has a support system. Has someone they can talk with to let those feelings out and feel less alone.
By hearing “corona feelings are real” I felt seen. That someone else has been overwhelmed by it all too. It felt okay instead of shameful.
Our feelings can unite, rather than isolate us
I have heard there are some folks that are tired of talking about what’s going on. They just want to focus on getting through the day. Or on work. And that’s perfectly okay.
At the same time, I have to imagine there are moments when it all feels like it’s too much. That it all bubbles over.
Please know that’s okay. You aren’t alone. It’s happening all around us to our friends, family and co-workers. To our neighbors and strangers out getting groceries.
When we don’t talk about something, it can feel lonely and isolating. The reality is there is not much we will experience on this earth that someone else hasn’t experienced too. Someone who may be experiencing it right now.
Have grace with yourself and others
Emotions are rarely neat and easy. The ones we struggle with or feel hard to manage are the ones that don’t like to be put in a box. They want and need to come out, either with intention or when we don’t expect it.
Those emotions can also be conflicting. It’s okay to feel grateful you still have a job or that you and your family have stayed healthy. That doesn’t diminish or invalidate your other feelings. You can feel both gratitude and sadness, anger, or overwhelm.
I read recently that we are navigating the same stormy sea. We are all in different boats, but trying to figure out our best path through the storm. While our situations are unique and as individual as we are, there is more that we have in common than not.
The important thing to remember is that we are not alone. We do not need to compare our experience to someone else’s – we are allowed to feel how we feel. Yet there is likely someone else who is or has gone through a similar emotion. We can find solace in that.
Crying – seemingly needlessly – during a meeting was a surprise. But eventually a welcome one. It was obviously something I needed, and allowed me to have increased empathy for the path others are navigating.
Throughout this unexpected and unprecedented time, if we can have grace with ourselves and others, maybe we can bring with us increased understanding and connection on the other side.
