As a friend, mentor, leader or family member, it is likely we have all heard people we care about or think highly of express negativity about themselves or their abilities.

Maybe we are surprised, because our perspective is a positive one.  It can be difficult to see someone talented, caring, or capable criticizing something we respect or admire about them.

From the outside, we may have a perspective that helps balance that inner critic, self-doubt, or a negative experience that has lingered.  

We can share our experiences, tangible results, feedback or other inputs that counter the negativity.  Ultimately, however, that inner voice is the one that needs to be addressed, and it comes from somewhere.  A source that is up to each of us to find for ourselves.

A surprising find

Like many others, I have found myself unsure what to do with myself at times during the current lockdown.

Once I realized I couldn’t distract myself from tough emotions or challenging situations, I sensed an opportunity.  One to embrace discomfort, tap into my gifts and see if I could come out the other side a better writer, leader, or friend.

A friend recommended a book when she heard what I was considering.  It’s called The Artist’s Way and is about unblocking our creativity.  

You may think “I’m not creative, that doesn’t apply to me.”  I’m not going to challenge you on how you see yourself (I believe we are all creative in different ways), but I do think unblocking ourselves to ideas, innovation, and possibilities can be beneficial for everyone.

As a writer, the idea of creativity being more a part of my life than the occasional inspiration was intriguing.  I didn’t expect some of the other realizations that would come with it.  The primary being just how darn vocal my inner critic can be.

Turns out, we may be good at helping other people refute their inner critic, but what about our own?

Getting ready

The Artist’s Way is a 12 week-program, which includes a fundamental element called Morning Pages.  Each morning as soon as you wake up, you write 3 long-hand pages of whatever strikes you. 

Even if you do not write or journal normally, it is a practice to get you writing.  Get you putting words on paper and passed the need to critique them.   You just write.

I’ve heard a lot of people creating “corona journals” to capture the happenings of 2020.  I figure I can always look back at whatever notions were in my head a decade from now.  In the meantime, each day I’ve been writing three pages of long-hand notes about whatever enters my mind.

Writing for a bit of time before starting the first exercise is important.  I write A LOT, but am quick to edit myself – my words, thoughts, and feelings – as I go.  

By letting myself just write whatever comes to mind, it quiets the need to self-edit.  That will be important for the exercise.  I’d recommend trying it for a week.

1. Find the Good

After a week of free writing, I started the first chapter.  In short, the purpose is to address your inner critic and get her to quiet down.

The process starts by writing affirmations about yourself.  Something positive.  In my case, it included statements like “I am a writer with a voice that is worth sharing.”

This may feel uncomfortable.  I rolled my eyes at least 20 times before I started this process, but my friend swore by it.  It may seem like a lot of things I won’t describe here in an effort not to offend anyone, but I did it anyway.  The entire point of this is to get uncomfortable, because no growth comes from our comfort zone.

I’d like you to pick your affirmation.  A positive statement about you, your abilities…whatever you want to believe that is good about yourself.  You can pick several.  I chose three and wrote them down.  Over and over and over.  I filled a page with them.

How comfortable was that?  Did you notice a “but” rearing it’s ugly head?  That’s your inner critic.  That’s the voices telling you that you’re not good enough, there are people that are better at this work than you are, or whatever other negative thoughts creep in to dim your light.

2. Kick those “buts”

Is your inner voice snarky?  Mine sure is.  Wow.  I didn’t realize how brutal AND snarky.

The next step is to write down all those “buts” she tells you.  All of them.  Then, for every one of the negative statements – for every “but” – write down something positive.

That’s right.  Fight her.  Let her know she’s not the final word on your ability.  

When I wrote down “I’m not that good.  Few people read or share my work.” My response was “There are people that find insight, joy, hope, and inspiration from my writing.”  And I believe this is true.  If I even help one person, it’s worth it for me to write and share it.

You could stop here.  Rooting out the negative self-talk, holding it to the light of day, and fighting it back with powerful truths was intense, cathartic, and more telling than I thought it would be.

If you’d like to keep going, there is a final step.

3. Get at the root

Your “buts” come from somewhere.  Some person, event, reaction…something inspired them.  Once you finish your list of “buts” and your positive rebuttals, consider where each “but” came from. 

Maybe it was an experience or a relationship.  Something someone said or how you felt as a result.  Something inspired that criticism…we do not come out of the womb judging ourselves and our ability.

My negative inspiration came flowing out as I wrote the “buts.”  Images popped into my head.  One was my mother.  She was a talented artist who never showed her work in fear of harsh judgment.  Another was a mentor and friend who violated my trust.

This was not an easy process, but it was hugely valuable.  Now, I can name where my inner criticisms come from.  I can put them into perspective and shut the door on them, the same as I might close the door on a person standing in front of me who has nothing positive to contribute. 

She will keep coming back…that inner voice is invasive…but as much as I realize she may be trying to protect me from failure or ridicule, she’s also preventing me from achieving anything truly meaningful.

Follow the steps and quiet the critic

If you, or someone you care about, suffers from negative self-talk, consider these steps.

Pre-work.  Start free writing.  Write 3 pages a day and don’t edit them.  Get used to the idea that your words have merit in whatever form they come out.

1. Find the good.  Identify one or more positive affirmations about yourself and write them down, over and over.
2. Kick those “buts”.  Every time you think “but” when you are writing your affirmations, write it down.  Capture the negative self-talk, and then write something positive to refute the “but.”
3. Get at the root.  Consider where each “but” came from.  What event, relationship, person or experience influenced the negative thoughts to put them in perspective.

I have just started the program, but the first week alone has been worth it.  I look forward to what insights future chapters will bring.  I’d love to hear if you’ve been through the program or decide to try it.  You don’t have to be a creative to benefit, I promise.