I was recently asked to participate in a panel discussion as part of International Women’s Day (March 8th). I was excited, though a little apprehensive at the idea of being part of a large gathering with coronavirus fears increasing by the day.
We received the questions in advance, allowing us to ponder our thoughts and stories that we might share with the audience of women who would be at the event.
No matter how prepared I might be, the day of an event always influences my responses. I’m never exactly sure what story will resonate, which allows for more authentic engagement.
We went through a few of the questions, with five of us responding. We each had a different perspective as women in different stages of our career, bringing a variety of thoughts and experiences to the panel.
At the end, we were allowed to pick from any remaining question we felt passionate about. I combined two – the advice I’d give my younger self, and what I’d share with women coming up behind me in the next generation.
Setting the context
Our keynote for the day was Dr Mandy Cohen, the Secretary of NC Department of Health and Human Services. Several women on her team were present at the event. One of them shared a recent study, one that I will be pouring over in the coming weeks.
The study is “The Status of Women in North Carolina.” Our state has a D grade when it comes to the status of women. While the state is committed to improving the health, wellness, and conditions for women, and may have invested in programs for that improvement, it’s not moving the needle.
The most shocking statistic for most of us in the room was that 1 in 3 women in North Carolina will suffer from intimate partner violence. That means that a third of us in the room would be a victim of violence.
I’m not sure exactly how many of us were in the room, but let’s say it was 100. That’s 33 women. It was either the woman to our left, to our right, or it was us.
Concerning data
I started working for Blue Cross Blue Shield North Carolina, who is committed to the health and well being of all North Carolinians, about 18 months ago.
In that time, I’ve been learning a lot about disparities in healthcare, socioeconomic conditions, and treatment of people in the United States. Whether it be women, POC or other marginalized groups.
What I’ve discovered has inspired me to read and learn more. I’ve been tearing through articles about women and the challenges we face at work. It’s important to know what we’re facing if we’re to change it. One recommendation from our Women in Technology Employee Resource Group, which I co-sponsor, is the book “Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed by Men.”
The data is disturbing. At least the data that’s available.
There are a few data points I’ve picked up that I shared during the panel.
- Families with single mothers are 5 TIMES as likely to live below the poverty line in North Carolina.
- In the U.S., single mothers represent a quarter of those living in poverty.
- Divorced women are more likely to end up in the bottom quartile of income distribution.
- Women CEO’s are twice as likely to be divorced.
- Women make less money throughout their lifetimes and live longer than men.
Advice for the next generation
There is no decision that has more impact on a woman’s mental, emotional, professional, and financial well-being than that of her partner.
Not one.
I did all the right things. Picked someone I knew for a long time. I was friends with the family and knew his upbringing. We had aligned beliefs about religion, politics, and children.
We used to look around at his friends – there were about 10 of them getting married and having kids along a similar timeline – and wonder which of the other 5 would end up divorced.
It didn’t occur to us that we would be one of them. But we were.
I won’t get into the hows and whys of it. What I will say is that a 50% divorce rate means it’s either going to happen to your neighbor or you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big thing or a collection of small things that trigger the end. What matters is the likelihood that it will.
As a woman, don’t assume it won’t happen to you. The odds are too high that it will. And the data shows that if it does, you will be the one more likely to suffer financially.
A financial planner was included in my benefits as part of the new job. When we met, she couldn’t believe I was divorced. “Why?” I asked. “Because you are financially stable. I’ve never seen that before.”
Of the many women she has helped over the years, every one of those that is divorced has been financially decimated. I have been the lone anomaly.
I’m not sharing this as a badge of honor. I’m sharing it because women need to be having different conversations.
The uncomfortable but necessary
As women, we talk a lot in our early adult years about marriage and children. Our dream weddings. Ideal relationships.
Social media doesn’t help. It feeds this ideal and it can feel shaming when our lives and relationships don’t measure up.
Instead of conversations about how wonderful the relationship is and whether a ring is coming soon, are we talking about potential red flags? Do we talk about the importance of managing our own money, pre-nups, and how to protect ourselves financially?
I didn’t.
Then, if we do get married and have children, it’s more of the same. Insta-family photos, hiding challenges that may be going on behind the scenes. Do we talk about financial struggles? Worries about saving for the future? Fights over college funds?
Later, if we decide to leave, divorce can be a lonely and isolating experience. Often, folks want to know “what happened” instead of what is happening or will happen financially.
If we are trying to help friends through divorce, we may talk about emotions or behaviors. Instead, what about her financial stability and readiness? About what she can do to prepare and what support might be available?
Why it matters
Not everyone decides to have a partner or get married. For women who opt out, there is often judgment or unconscious bias if she decides to forego motherhood, as if it’s a mandate.
If women do end up divorced as single parents, work environments have cultural norms that assume a two parent household, that someone is available as backup for last minute late nights, events, or travel.
I stand by my statement that there is no greater decision a woman can make than whom she selects as a partner. There is pressure to have one, and serious financial risks if we select the wrong one.
Choose well my dears. In the case of women in North Carolina, your life may literally depend on it.
