Have you ever looked around a table and wondered, “Am I the only one?” Maybe you question if you’re crazy, needy, demanding, or any other words to describe not going with the flow.
It can be difficult sitting in a room, thinking that you need something that maybe others don’t need. That you’re experiencing something others aren’t experiencing. Feeling something others don’t feel.
Over the last 18 months, I’ve felt that regularly. And it’s not a great feeling. At least it wasn’t until I realize that I’m rarely the only one.
Group Mentality
I often find myself in settings where there’s a group mentality. Or at least, that’s how I perceive it.
A group mentality may be an always available culture at work. The idea that every one can be available for an early or late meeting, for overnight travel, or to take a call on the weekends.
In the group, for many or most members, that may be true. There may be group members with no or grown children. Those with a spouse who can cover.
I’m no longer that person. I’m no longer part of the group.
Or at least that’s how I felt. But I am part of the group…I just think and live differently.
When I started at my new company – one that touts it’s flexibility and family-friendly culture – I thought my life as a single parent would be supported. It is, but I didn’t realize just how much I’d have to advocate for myself. To the point where sometimes I wonder…am I rocking the boat?
But I have no choice. I have to advocate for myself. Even if it feels exhausting.
Other Mentality
The advocating over and over – for things like time to engage a sitter for an after hours event – puts us in an “other” mentality. That we aren’t part of the group. That we don’t belong.
The secret I learned? That’s self-sabotage. We do belong. We are part of the group. And we have an obligation to speak up. Even if we are uncomfortable. Especially if we’re uncomfortable.
Every time I’ve spoken up – EVERY SINGLE TIME – there has been someone that thanked me. Someone that said “me too.” Someone who was uncomfortable saying anything because they felt “other” and me saying something gave them the permission to do the same.
Call out: Real life examples
This isn’t about me, but it is my life. Turns out, it’s many other people’s lives too. I’m including a list of some of the things I’ve spoken up about that impacted me, and in turn it created space for others.
These may sound simple or non-issues, but they are all real. Real to me, and real to others in the organization who may or may not be in the room to advocate for themselves.
- Scheduling critical meetings on school holidays. Flexible work arrangements often allow parents to work from home when schools are closed. If it’s important to be there to be heard, be seen, etc – look at the local school calendars.
- Being talked over, ignored, or shut down in meetings. If you see it, speak up. If it’s happening to you, don’t let it pass. You may not realize someone else in the same room feels like it’s happening to them too and is just as uncomfortable or unsure how to bring it up.
- Early morning and late meetings. Check preferences before assuming folks can be available, as they may be responsible for morning drop off or pick up. Don’t assume they’ll work it out and rearrange their schedule.
Just because no one is speaking up doesn’t make it acceptable, but it does make it accepted.
Team Mentality
Growing up, I was the kid that bullied the bullies. Defended those that could not defend themselves. I still do that today, advocating for my team, my peers, or others that I worry aren’t in a position to help themselves.
Somewhere along the way, I started seeing advocating for myself as selfish. I’m realizing it’s anything but.
A coworker of mine recently started helping me with this. He said “If you suffer, we suffer. If you’re struggling, we’re struggling. To be a great team, we can’t have one of our members refusing to share when they’re experiencing something difficult. We need you to speak up.”
I kept thinking that it was making the conversation about me if I said something. If I interrupted the flow of conversation to say I felt dismissed. That I wasn’t being heard. That I was shutting down.
Instead, I’m taking away from the team. I’m withdrawing trust. Limiting the team’s ability to learn and get better. Being selfish by keeping things to myself.
Huh. Imagine that.
Self Advocating isn’t Selfish
No team can be successful if one or more of its members feel like “other.” That’s not a team. That’s a collection of individuals.
It can be hard to speak up. It may feel like you’re damaging trust. That you’re eroding the team. But you’re actually doing the opposite. Speaking up means you’re helping the team evolve into one that is inclusive of all of its members, not just the majority.
And remember, just because you perceive the majority thinks a certain thing, doesn’t make it true. That’s self-doubt talking.
It may not happen every time, but more often than you think, others will be thinking something similar. Or they will be surprised and disappointed at something you’re experiencing, committed to doing better once they realize.
The next time you’re in your own head, frustrated that you’re not being seen, heard, or considered – say something. Whether it’s to an ally in the room after the fact, or in the moment. Speak up.
The only way to make an environment work for you is to advocate for yourself. If it’s not working for you, it’s probably not working for others. And that means it’s working against the success of your organization.
