Are you someone who can enter a room, casually walk up to person you may not know, and carry on a conversation? Make small talk, understanding social cues that tell you when to ask additional questions, change the subject, or move on?
That is fantastic. I genuinely admire those capabilities. I can also tell you with complete honesty this article is not for you.
If that’s not you, maybe you recognize that peopling is hard. People are not 1’s and 0’s. They are not predictable.
As a leader, being socially awkward is, well, awkward. I’ve written previously about some of the challenges the socially awkward have getting to know people. When they are your own team? Even more challenging.
I am someone who wants to connect with my team and genuinely cares about them as human beings beyond what they contribute to our collective goals. Unfortunately, sometimes my awkwardness gets in the way.
I’ve received so much feedback over the years, most of it well-meaning but difficult to implement given the variability in people. Here are a few of my favorites.
Physical Cues
Studies say that 93% of our communication is non-verbal. This includes physical cues to let us know what another person is really thinking, feeling, etc.
The challenge is that a signal from one person doesn’t mean the same thing as another. It’s not as if there’s a class on how to appear impatient, bored, excited or upset. What one person, or even many people, think is obvious, may not be to others who have seen the same signal mean something different.
A manager once told me that tapping his foot was a universal signal that I should wrap it up. I explained that, actually, it’s not universal. A colleague of ours used to bounce her knee under her desk or tap her foot. She told me it was nervous energy and not to think she was getting restless from our conversation.
He always assumed she was impatient with him and was surprised when I shared my experience. It’s possible she really WAS impatient with him, but it didn’t occur to him there might be another reason. Knowing there may be multiple reasons, I cannot universally associate foot tapping with impatience.
I like cues as long as I know what they mean from that person. One of my co-workers will spin his index finger in a circle to let me know to “circle back” to a key point if he thinks I’m going off track. The first time he did it, he explained what it meant. I LOVE THAT. Now every time I see that signal from him, I know exactly what to do.
If you’re sending signals like crazy and another person isn’t picking up on them, maybe they are not trying to ignore you. It’s possible the signal isn’t as universal as you believe and they could benefit from having your thoughts spelled out.
Work-Related Questions
Questions are a great way to get to know people and show an interest. Have you heard that? I have. A lot.
As a leader, questions are a great way to get to know our teams. It’s also very risky to ask them about work. Why? Because our questions often generate unintended consequences.
Years ago, I would watch my manager walk around and ask questions of my team. It would send off a flurry of work because “if he asked x, it must mean it’s important and I need to get on that right away.”
That certainly was not his intention. After I told him what was happening, he was shocked by the impact of his questions and we worked through better ways for him to address his curiosity.
Knowing the impact even a casual conversation from me can have on my team, I normally don’t ask work-related questions as a way to get to know them. It is by no means an indication that I don’t care about their work, which is the consequence of not asking those questions.
What to do when you want to show interest, but not set off a flurry of unintended work? I meet with and connect with my leaders regularly to understand the work of their teams and particular achievements. I send communications to my broader organization every week, sharing progress, changes, items of note, and shout outs for great work.
It’s not the same thing as asking questions 1×1 about an individual’s work, but it limits the disruption my questions could generate and (hopefully) shows my interest, appreciation, and pride for the great work they are doing.
Personal Questions
If work questions create issues, what about personal ones? Does anyone else visualize a sign that says “Warning Ahead”??? Yep, personal questions can be very tricky for leaders.
There is a woman who used to work for me. We became and have remained friends and I love telling the story about how we met.
I had just become her manager and was waiting in her office for our introduction. She walked in, sat down, and said, “I am here to work and get the job done. I am not here to get to know you or make friends. I’m not here to discuss my family. I am here to deliver.”
Needless to say, I was taken aback. You don’t learn how to address that kind of opening in any leadership training I’ve ever heard of. I’m pretty sure I said “Okay” and “Tell me about the team” or something along those lines.
Within a week, I knew all about her daughter and that she was a mother figure in the team. Someone who was warm and caring, that everyone went to with their challenges.
We quickly got past that first encounter, but I have met others who want work to be about work. Not everyone wants to share their home life in the office.
One of my colleagues periodically asks me about my son. I’d happily share, but he didn’t share anything in return. Recently, after I shared an upcoming camping trip, he mentioned loving camping with his kids. I thought “YES! Now I can ask questions and we can get to know each other better.”
That was followed by “Oh crap…should I have been asking all this time?” and I shared the thought with him. I let him know that it didn’t occur to me to ask because not everyone is comfortable sharing, and how much I appreciated that he had opened the door.
Sharing with my team models the interpersonal connections I hope they are making with each other and would love to make with them. I don’t always ask because some people want to keep work about work and think personal questions are intrusive.
When someone shares about their weekend and fails to ask about yours in return, try meeting them half way. Offer a bit about your weekend and you may be surprised. It could be that they were just waiting for the signal that you’re open to sharing in return.
Listen
As leaders, not only do we need to listen, but we need to listen on multiple levels. There’s the conversation that is going on, and then the subtext that is happening at the same time. The subtext includes things like power dynamics, interpersonal interactions, and other influences from outside the room that are brought into each discussion we have. Add in the non-verbals going on concurrently, and that’s a lot of multi-level listening.
Like many leaders, I’m asked to listen more and solve less. When I hear that, I do my best to sit back and listen. Which is great. When my team needs a sounding board.
Recently, I was told that I need to solve more. What? Turns out when I was spending more time listening, sometimes they felt as though I wasn’t being as helpful as I could have been in getting them to a solution.
Listening is fine, but we need to make sure we’re communicating clearly on BOTH sides of the discussion.
I can do more of x and less of y, but not every person or situation is the same. Sometimes, I need to know how someone needs me to show up.
Anyone else overloaded and squeezed for time? Trying to practice multi-level listening, ask the right questions, and show up the way each individual needs us to – while running from meeting to meeting – is not easy.
I’ve encouraged my teams to tell me what they need from me. Am I there as a sounding board? To provide air cover? To help solve? Which version of the leader is right for the problem at hand?
To help in 1×1’s, I will take out a whiteboard marker and ask folks to tell me the top 3 things they want to cover. It creates a visual reminder to keep us on track, and allows me to get a sense of what’s the person needs from me up front.
Helping Us Remember All. The. Things.
For the socially awkward, there are usually 100 things going on in our heads during a conversation. Besides the content, there are a lot of rules to remember in interpersonal interaction. Make eye contact, not too much, ask questions, share, don’t over share, listen, periodically indicate you’re listening by reiterating a point, but don’t make it about you.
It can be hard to keep it all straight. I often remember 10 minutes after a conversation three other things I should have said, done, or asked. I’d love to carry reminder cards around with me. Except, hello awkward.
If you are reading this and realize you’re working for a socially awkward leader, there are things you can do to help. I’ve shared some of them above. In short, try to meet us part way, give us the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent.
Leader or non-leader, those of us that are socially awkward want to connect with people. We’ve found it difficult, have developed the best coping mechanisms we know, and try try again. Reaching out a hand to help us connect could mean more than you know.
