Words Matter, Choose Carefully

Self-talk is as important as how we talk to others

There are many expressions we are taught growing up to mind our words.  One of the most common is “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Most of the time we are told that in reference to something we’ve said to someone else. But what about how we talk to ourselves?

We are taught to consider our words because, intentionally or not, they can hurt.  Turns out, our words can hurt us too, not just others. Our words may demotivate, shame or otherwise kill our mojo, in obvious or subtle ways.

“I need to…”

Raise your hand if you are goal oriented. While this can be a good thing, our goals must also compete with our daily reality of work and life.  We may have more goals than we have time and energy to accomplish them all.

When that happens, we make trade off decisions, sometimes subconsciously.  I find myself saying, “I need to…” regarding those goals I have not prioritized against my other commitments

I’ve been saying, “I need to have my book professionally edited and republished” for YEARS. That’s just one of many loose goals I’ve set for myself.  Each time I say it; I remember how many times it’s been said before and it eats at me a little bit more.  Feeling a bit more like I’ve fallen short on achieving the goal.

Once I realized how much I say, “I need to…” without taking definitive action AND the negative feelings associated with inaction, I decided to make a change.  

Every time I find myself saying “I need to…” I stop myself.  I ask myself if this is something I really want to commit to.  If not, I let it go.  Otherwise, I change it to “I will by” and add a date. 

That book?  I will have it professionally edited in March. The commitment has been communicated to a friend of mine who is helping me find an editor.  I am replacing vaguery with commitment and eliminating words that feed negative self-talk.

“I should…”

Anyone else have an idealistic view of what living your best life looks like?  I certainly do.  

I have an intention to work out and prep my meals for 6 days each week.  For a long time, I was regimented about it.  And for a long time I wasn’t.  I’ve been getting back into the routine, but it doesn’t always happen.  

That best life isn’t always possible around the reality of work and family commitments.  When they don’t match up, where does our mind go? All those things we think we should do instead of what we are doing.

I find myself saying “I should be working out” or “I should eat a salad if I haven’t meal prepped” I’m falling short of this ideal and then failing to enjoy whatever alternative I’ve selected for my time or meal. It’s like a double punishment.

I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to choose a steak instead of a salad or a prepped meal, I sure as heck want to enjoy it.  Otherwise, what’s the point?

Once I realized the negative self-talk cycle, I replaced “I should” with “I’m going to make a different choice.”  Are my choices always my “preferred” options?  No.  But they are still my choices.  Turns out, if I’m not okay with the choices I make, I can always make different ones.

“I don’t have time …”

The icing on our self-recrimination cake is time.  If we just had more of it, then all those goals and aspirations would surely get done, right?

The reality is that we all have the same 24 hours in a day.  It never seems to be enough with work demands, self-care, parenting (or friends or taking care of our parents), and all the things we think we need to or should be doing.

We see some folks out there, seemingly getting it all done.  Making those 24 hours work for them and knocking out their to do list like it’s right.  Same amount of time, but how do they do it?

I’d be willing to bet they are not getting it all done.  And none of them are saying “I don’t have time.”  What they do is make time for what’s most important to them.  They prioritize ruthlessly.

I recently stopped saying “I don’t have time” and replaced it with “that’s not important to me today” or “I’m not prioritizing that right now.”  I have time, though I’m choosing not to spend it on certain things so I can spend it on others.

Sometimes those statements make me cringe. Because whatever I’m not spending time on IS important.  It’s a prompt to reprioritize the important stuff and push non-essentials to the background. 

Don’t aim for perfection but grace

I still find myself swirling at times…beating myself up for my choices.  However, I’m more mindful of the words I use and stop myself much faster when I start down the path of self-recrimination.  

We don’t have to be perfect. Maybe, just maybe, we can give ourselves a little grace and the space to occasionally make the choices we need today and get back to our aspirations tomorrow.

Are there words you find yourself saying that are limiting you in some way?  What alternatives are you considering or using to improve your self-talk?  I’d love if you could share your experience in the comments.

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