Was anyone else prepared to start working and what that actually meant?
You were? Lucky you. Me? Not so much.
There’s a book called “what to expect when you’re expecting.” What about “what to expect with your first job?” Not W-2’s and taxes, but what to do if you’re the only woman in the room or get mansplained (which happens to men too by the way).
Looking back on years of working and all the life changes that have happened along the way, I wish someone had told me to pay attention. To stop and consider what had changed and what that meant for where I am now.
There are a lot of changes we may go through, and at each one, our needs and our roles may need to change with it.
Working while female
My first job was with the military as a civilian female. There I was, thrown into the deep end of the pool with no floaties and told “SWIM!”
I figured out how to navigate being a young single woman in a male-dominated field and environment. Sucked up blatant harassment, unwanted passes, hostility, and feeling unsafe regularly.
At no point in those early years did I consider what I needed. What would have made things easier. It was survival, day in and day out.
Working while married
Eventually, I found an environment that was different. A large part of my change in experience, I believe, is that I no longer had “AVAILABLE” stamped on my forehead. When you and your spouse work for the same company, you’re often given a wide berth.
It was nice not to worry about my physical safety anymore, thought I don’t remember thinking about it. Since I was used to adapting to my environment, I adapted to this as well.
It never occurred to me to consider what I might need to do differently now that I was married. Now that I felt safe.
Instead, I wasted a lot of years and opportunities before I realized that I could trust and connect with others in this new environment.
Working while parenting
What seemed like overnight, we adopted and I was suddenly a mother. Motherhood changes everything (babies do that). I could no longer adapt to my environment. My environment had to adapt to me.
My priorities had shifted and I began to consider what had to be different. I worked for years with a single-minded purpose, preparing for the flexibility I would need as a mother. But what did that really mean?
I defined what I wanted and needed in my environment, and my current role didn’t fit. I went back to a prior role where I knew what the job entailed and could adjust to my son’s needs, while still exceeding their expectations.
After that initial reset, I was able to articulate what I needed in a role and environment to be successful. For the next decade, I continued to rise, finding opportunities that met my needs.
Working while single-parenting
I divorced two years ago and am still navigating what that looks like.
In the beginning, I was working for the same company and was co-parenting. It didn’t feel that different. I worked for someone I knew and trusted, so we talked openly about things like adjusting my travel schedule.
Then I moved and took a new job where no one knew me. Suddenly I was 100% responsible for my son’s care as a working mom.
Given my experience to date, I didn’t expect to need anything different. Unfortunately, I wasn’t being realistic.
I’ve become hyper-aware of the unspoken expectation as a leader that you can go anywhere any time. I can no longer drop everything and be somewhere after work or fly tomorrow.
I’ve had to become very good at communicating my needs. I’ve discovered there are other women who have similar needs, yet don’t articulate them out of fear they will limit their opportunities. I have no choice, so I advocate for all of us. Hopefully some day, we all feel comfortable speaking up.
Working while privileged
I have privilege because I am a financially-secure white heterosexual cis-gendered female. I (mostly) feel safe speaking up and I become more aware every day that not everyone does.
Recently, I went to an employee resource group event for LGTBQ+ and Allies. The stories were heart-wrenching for me to hear, and represented their everyday.
I am fortunate that I have not had to experience working while coming out. Or having to come out to every new person I meet and work with. Or marrying someone I love that is of the same gender and the fear that our marriage may not be accepted by others.
Until recently, I hadn’t event begun to appreciate all the different ways people show up to work each day, and how each life stages might impact them differently.
Working while living
For many years, I’ve looked out for my own needs. In this new chapter of my life, I don’t always know what that looks like. Sometimes, I need others to ask me questions or just consider me. Consider for a moment that my life might be different than others in our team or organization.
I think it’s important for each of us to evaluate the life stage we are in, and what changes a new stage may bring, It is equally important to consider where someone else is in their journey, and what help we may be able to offer. Particularly if we are leaders or in a place of privilege to give voice to those that may not feel safe using their own.
With any change, be supportive, ask questions, and don’t assume. It could be someone’s first job. Having a first child, or third. Or living a life completely different from your own. Starting the discussion opens the door to someone who may feel unsure or unsafe, or might not even realize their needs have changed.
Have your career needs changed as your life changed? How have you navigated the change? If you are comfortable sharing in the comments, I would love to hear your story.
