Years ago, I had lunch with the chairwoman of my personal board of directors. The lunch would change my life and my career many times over, with one piece of advice.
“I know it has not always been safe for you to be vulnerable to the people you’ve worked for, but you can trust him. When will you?”
She was referring to my manager, who I had been working for about a year. They had known each other for quite some time, and was someone she deeply respected. While I respected him too, I had not yet trusted him with knowing me beyond the surface. Beyond the work.
A leap of faith
After that day, I took a leap. I let him see me. It took some time, but the same transparency and vulnerability I shared with my team and peers, I finally allowed with my leader. I shared my fears and my doubts.
Amazingly (to me), rather than diminish his trust in me, it grew. He would do the same, building a strong relationship and eventual friendship that has continued after we’ve moved on to different roles.
A new start
A year ago, I started a new role in a new company. After 16 years of being in the same organization, where many knew me, I was new to everyone. Everyone was new to me.
I brought my leadership approach with me: VITAE – Vulnerability, Integrity, Transparency, Accountability and Empowerment. From the beginning, the level of vulnerability and transparency I shared appeared different from others around the company. Different enough to stand out and be appreciated, but not so different that I didn’t feel at home.
One of the reasons why I came to the company was because I believed those traits would be valued. Would be aligned to the direction and culture of the company. I have been overjoyed to have selected well.
While the company is committed to deep connections and transparent communications as part of its leadership approach, it’s also a long established business changing an entrenched culture. For most of 85 years, there has been a variety of leadership/management styles and approaches, manifesting in variability in what has been modeled and rewarded.
The potential risk
During a recent conversation with one of the leaders on my team, she was sharing some of her concerns. I was appreciative of the candor and the opportunity to help. At the end, she shared an uncertainty. She had been coached to “keep her shades down.” Told it would not serve her well in her career to reveal too much. That transparency would cause others to judge her harshly.
I shared my story. The history I had with keeping the shades down – the challenges that brought. I shared the history of my rich relationship with my prior leader. The friendship we have now. It would never have been possible if I had kept the shades down.
Let in the light
It is only by opening our shades and letting the light in that we can let others in. Opening our shades allows us to shine our light so that others may see. That they can know and trust us as well.
It’s not always easy. It may feel uncomfortable. Someone may abuse our trust or judge us harshly. That reflects more about them than it does about us. It is human nature to trust those we know and to crave connection with others.
In my experience, the relationships that are possible by showing up authentically and letting others see us far surpass the alternative. They are worth the discomfort, missteps or other challenges that may surface on our journey to get there.
At this point in my life and career, my shades are nearly all the way up, pretty much all the time. There are some deeply personal things that I might hesitate to share broadly, but most of it is public and up for discussion. I decide how much to share one-on-one, vs in front of my entire team or the world, but hopes, dreams, fears, mistakes, doubts…they are all part of me. They are all available in my quest to connect with those around me and lead teams to achieve daring and challenging goals.
What is your experience, positive or negative, with keeping your shades open with your teams, peers and leaders? Please share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.
